A few weeks ago-- wait, time is moving really fast right now, I guess it was the end of June or early July when Noah busted his lip open and needed stitches. It was ugly-- like literally and figuratively. His lip was hanging in three pieces and he was in pain and pissed off like I've never seen him. Cut to now, about a month later, and he looks and feels pretty good. His lip is still pink and a bit puffy and he has a few scars but no one would really notice, except him. Every time he eats it still feels funny and numb, and every time Momo comes near his face holding a hard object above her head (she's really into throwing things these days), he flinches. He's got a physical and emotional scar.
He was trying to describe the feeling the other day (because my unemotional rock of a husband is now a guy who can talk about his feelings) and I kind of felt that how he was describing it all felt oddly similar to the IF "journey." I wish I wrote down what he said. Sometimes he's actually quite eloquent. But the gist of the feeling is that it's not on his mind full time the way it was when he had purple stitches poking out of his mouth, but he still thinks about the accident or is reminded about it for some reason daily.
My reminder of my journey is Momo, but it also comes up in other ways.
A few weekends ago I saw a friend who I lost during the process. That makes it sounds simple. This was my best friend since middle school who got pregnant and basically told everyone but me about it (she knew I was struggling and didn't know how to talk to me), and when she did tell me our conversation somehow ended with me crying and expressing how badly I wanted to be happy for her but how hard it was for me and her saying she was pregnant now and needed to take care of herself. I don't think I necessarily handled myself well or right, but we all know relationships with pregnant friends are hard and we all do the best we can. I did the best I could at that moment and so did she and we both missed the mark. I knew our friendship would be "parked" for a little bit, but I didn't know we would never speak to each other again. Until a few weeks ago.
It was interesting to see her. Our friendship was drifting a bit before the fertility stuff hit the fan, but we have a lot of history with each other. I don't think either of us are mad. We chatted briefly-- she has had two kids now. And that was that. But I felt a little like how Noah describes his lip-- numb, wishing it were different, and not that big of a deal all at the same time.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this but seeing her brought up a variety of different feelings. Sadness at how we parted ways. Frustration that fertility problems can divide friendships. Regret maybe, but also understanding that there were moments in all this where I felt like I had to just save myself. And sometimes it is what it is and things happen. And then we heal and move on, and there's a little bit of a scar that just feels...different. The scar acts as a reminder of the past. It's not a bad thing to think about how we might have done things differently, acted or reacted differently. It's not bad to learn to heal and to think about things we can do better moving forward. And its okay to accept how life sometimes happens, and all we can do is the best we can in each moment.