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June 03, 2013

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Don't Count Your Eggs

Thanks so much for sharing Hope and S.I.F. It's so insane to be dealing with these kinds of decisions. What ever happened to stressing out about what I'm going to order for dinner? Adoption is less expensive than donor eggs, though none of this, as you well know, is inexpensive. Adoption is defiantly on the table for us and we do hear that adoption somehow often cures infertility! I'm not counting on anything like that but you never know how the body changes and what may happen. I appreciate you sharing your story, S.I.F. It sounds like you've really been through a lot and I think it's terrible that the risks to donors are somewhat unknown, unstudied, and not talked about. Most stories I hear about donors are that some times there is hyper stimulation but that it's not big deal in the end. Knowing the other side of donating is important, especially for my sister. I think that's what makes all this so hard. There is a high likelihood she will be fine but a possibility that she won't. That's scary. It sounds like you had an underlying condition that was triggered, did they not see endometriosis when you donated or could they not check for that? I think that is usually seen in a laparoscopy but am not totally sure. Do your doctors think you would have had difficulty conceiving even if you didn't donate or do they feel the donating really caused it? I know it's so hard to know anything exactly, but all info helps. Thanks ladies!

Hope

I agree with the post that an anonymous donor would resolve some of the family complications and stress - and also preserve your relationship with your sister. You don't want to have to worry about her being resentful down the road. On the other hand, I do understand how expensive using an anonymous donor is and it not being an option. I assume adoption is a less expensive route correct? I don't know if this will help but a few years ago I had a friend who was going through infertility due to PCOS and one day she decided she was tired of all the infertility appointments and her and her husband began the journey to adoption. They cleaned up their place, make the office into a children's room, etc. and got ready for the home visit. The first home visit went great and a second one was planned. Then life threw them a curve ball and right before the second visit, they had to move out of state. Guess what? This is when they conceived naturally on their own. You always hear those stories of couples who conceive naturally when they adopt ... so don't feel like your dream of carrying natural is out of the picture forever. It's not. Hang in there, you are doing great and all your emotions are normal and expected.

S.I.F.

Probably not what you want to hear, but... I was an extremely healthy egg donor who went on to face fertility issues very quickly after donating my eggs. My doctors now believe I always had an underlying case of endometriosis that was pushed into high gear by the hormones involved in donating my eggs. Not something anyone could have ever predicted, but something which has resulted in 5 surgeries in 3 years for me, and an extensive uphill healthy battle. I also lost my ability to conceive - with two failed IVF cycles under my belt. I have no regrets, because children were born from my eggs, and how can you regret helping to bring life into this world? But knowing what I know now, I know I could never personally use an egg donor. What happened to me is rare, but possible. Donating my eggs led to the eventual loss of my own fertility, with issues starting less than a year later. According to the donor agency I worked with, a lot of their donors go on to experience their own fertility issues. They told me to give them a call if I decide to use a donor myself one day, and that they "love working with past donors". Something about that always seemed kind of wrong to me, you know?

All that said, I know how hard it is. And how visceral that desire to carry a baby is. I can tell you now that adoption is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but... even last year I wasn't fully ready to explore that option yet. I wasn't fully ready to let go of ever carrying a child. It is SO personal, and so easy to look back once you are on the other side and say "Oh, I wish I had just..." But you have to go through it. All the steps. And you have to make the choice that is best for you and your family. Because it is hard, and scary, and so not fair. I'm sorry you and your husband are at this point. I hope your sister is being kind to herself as she struggles with this bout of cold feet, and that you are able to find another way if she just isn't willing or able to take that risk... Good luck to you all!

Don't Count Your Eggs

Thanks so much for sharing. You are SO right. Whatever baby we get, wherever it may come from (donor eggs, adopted from another state, perhaps even another country) will be our baby and DNA etc. won't be an issue. An anonymous donor would resolve some of the family complications, but aside from the biology aspect, it is also a lot more expensive, which, unfortunately is an issue for us. It's really helpful to hear success stories with donor eggs. A good reminder that whatever baby is meant to be our baby will eventually be.

Finding My New Normal

Hi there, I'm a new follower and I know a bit about what you are going through. We have our daughter as the result of a donor egg. We did not use a family member or known donor however. We used an anonymous donor. I'm not sure exactly where you live, but many fertility clinics have a donor database where you can be matched.

I know it's a step further away from your DNA, but I promise you that when that baby is born, DNA will be the furthest thing from your mind. At least that's how it's been for me.

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