There is a Tom Waits song I really like. As with most Tom Waits songs, the lyrics are from another realm and are often useless to try to decipher. In that voice that is straight out of my childhood nightmares, I hear, "always keep a diamond in your mind / wherever you may wander, wherever you may roam / always keep a diamond in your mind." Since we did our embryo transfer (click here in case you need a refresher video), that line has been stuck in my head. The chance to have a baby, while risking multiples, has been the diamond in my mind, the beautiful goal. I've believed. I've been positive. I've hoped and prayed to any and all that will listen. This morning I arrived at work feeling confident that I'd get a call from a tearful wife saying that we were officially pregnant and one step closer to our family. Instead I got a call from a tearful wife. "It didn't work," was all she had to say.
For the rest of the day I was numb. Numb the way you feel after there's been a major catasptrophe or a death in the family. The volume was turned down on the rest of my day, replaced with nothing. I was numb while trying to do creative for a television show. I was numb in Los Angeles traffic. I was numb when I embraced Maya. I was numb during our drive back home, the only sound in the car coming from my sobbing wife; crying like she was trying to run out of tears. Two blocks from home, stopped at a light, I noticed a sticker on the car in front of me. "No Bad Days." Temporarily, numb was replaced with rage. Then back to numb.
For those of you that know me - if only through this - I am not the most emotional person. But today was different. Today I feel broken and I know I can't do that right now. One of my best friends from home told me today, "take care of yourself so you can take care of Maya." I'll process this later, I just want her to feel better now. Or at least not feel worse.
If there is a positive to be taken from this, it is that both Maya and I are becoming more comfortable talking about this process. We've had family and friends who have been critical of Maya opening up on a forum like this, but I know it has helped her. And whatever helps, is fine with me. And with this communication comes messages and tweets and texts and hugs. We sat in bed tonight marveling at how perfect strangers from around the world have been thinking of Maya today, praying for her, wishing her well. It made me cry. And my tears are normally only reserved for World Series victories.
So thank you to every reader and every comment on here. And thank you for thinking of my wife. She needs it. I hope we'll have good news to share in the future. And, if you've got the time, I recommend picking up that Tom Waits song.