I found myself repeating this phrase this weekend as I started to look at the calendar and create a to-do list for the embryo donation. We have to get the legal contract notarized, I have to look into which pharmacy is the cheapest for the meds, figure out plane tickets and work our cycle schedule around my best friend's wedding. I want to get my thyroid and vitamin D checked because I've read that problems with these things can lead to miscarriage. I have to figure out how much it's going to cost to have part of the cycle monitored here...exhale. It's actually not that much to do considering how much we've had to do during other cycles, but by A.R.T. round...six, I'm exhausted just thinking about gearing up. On Saturday, I put down my notebook and looked at Noah and said, "I just want a family!"
He looked back at me and smiled and agreed. He's tired too. But then he reminded me that we are our own little family and we're going to be okay.
I started trying to shift my focus on the family I do have, and I realized I have many families. Noah, our house plant, and I are a little family. I have my incredibly supportive family of origin who loves me and does everything they can to help us every day. I have my yoga family who keeps me sane and grounded, and my family of beautiful gals at work, who cheer me on and lend an ear when I need help processing something. I have my family of friends and neighbors, and my family here on-line, on IF Island, who understand the struggle and help to normalize my experiences. By focusing on what I do have, rather than what I'm missing, I'm able to remember I'm loved and supported, and have much love and support to give.
Those of us on IF Island have to work so hard to create our nuclear family. We have to plan and compromise and research and let go of things we don't want to let go of. We have to try, and try again. We have to have multiple people involved in this usually intimate process of making a baby. We have to ride the emotional roller coaster time and time again, and we have to believe that one day our life and our family will feel complete.
One day my family with Noah will include our baby, and it will feel complete. Well, we do want two kids but I'm going one step at a time here. OMG, the thought of having to figure all this out after we already have a kid just made me break out into a cold sweat. What if I'm 50 by the time this works out? I'm not going to think about it. AHHHH! What I am going to think about is the love I have in my life, and the sense of community and belonging I am so grateful for.
Happy Monday to my IF Island family. I appreciate you all so much and send so much love to everyone out there!