I have two friends on the opposite ends of the optimistic v...not so optimistic spectrum.
Fighting for the "Don't hold your breath, the shoe can drop at any second" side is my friend who is almost 9 weeks preggo (I can't write the word out completely because it's still a little taboo for her). She has been on IF Island for a few years and to her surprise got..pregg0 after an FET of an embryo she had zero expectations of. She was already planning her next IVF, in fact, it was already paid for, and when she got news she had a beta HCG number, and it was rising, she kind of didn't believe it. She has been doubtful ever since and is just starting to be able to wrap her head around the idea that this could be it for her--her final ticket off the Island. And I totally understand that. It's a way to protect your heart after it has been smashed into a zillion pieces so many times. It's a way to not have any real expectations, knowing there is really no way to know if everything is going to go the way it should. Feeling in denial may help break the fall, if there's a fall.
My other friend has also been on IF Island for a few years. She is batting for the, "This is IT! It's going to work this time!" team. She is on her second egg donor, and has a handful of beautiful embryos in the freezer. Last month she put in two--top quality. Her lining was good, everything seemed to be in the right place, but they didn't take. She was bummed but bounced back quickly. She has just started preparing for the next transfer, and she wrote me this morning that she keeps catching herself thinking that 100% FOR SURE the next batch will work, and then she has to stop herself, smack herself across the face (twice) to remind herself that this has failed before. It's like she wants to be super positive, and she naturally seems to be fairly positive, but she is trying to dim that optimism. She is trying to crush that hopeful feeling.
I stand somewhere in the middle, perhaps. I have felt the other shoe drop, hard, and try to protect my heart and shield myself from getting too excited. I try my hardest to squash other people's excitement for me as well, because I kind of need everyone to know NOT to get excited until I can count fingers and toes. But I've also started to feel that no matter what my attitude is, certain things are going to work or they're not. It's not because I deserve it. It's not because it feels right, it's not because the situation is so crazy, (like being on suppression medication and having to cancel an FET), that this just HAS to be it. It just is or it isn't. So in some ways I might as well be hopeful and optimistic, but...it's not always easy. How each person handles their emotional self is very personal, and has to feel right for them. It has to be their truth.
That, I do believe. We have to be honest with ourselves about how we are feelings. If it's doubtful, then that's what it is. But if we are actually really feeling good about a situation, why water it down? It's going to hurt no matter what. Can we let our feelings just be what they are? Can we sit with them and accept them, and stay totally present with the facts of what our situation is in a given moment?
I feel...I actually don't know how I feel. Noah and I followed doctor's orders this weekend (it was like riding a bike ;) and now we wait to see if a miracle happened. In this moment an embryo may be burrowing its way into my uterus, or it may not be. I will continue to plan ahead, talk to the Seattle clinic on Friday to work out a game plan, because having a plan always helps me. And if I feel hopeful and optimistic at times, I'll ride that wave and be present in that space. And if I feel doubtful and scared, then I'll sit with that too. We are all going to waver while living on the Island. That is for sure. And that's ok. That's genuine. That's real. That's the emotional rollercoaster.
Sending love to my fellow Islanders.