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June 30, 2014

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Maryann

My daughter has been trying to get pregnant for about a year now and hasn't. Her brother who just got married last July just has announced that he and his wife are expecting. My son told me that my daughter got very emotional and starting crying when he told her. She just got her period that day too. My daughter has not mentioned to me at all about her brother and his wife expecting and this concerns me. I'm afraid to mention it to her because I don't want her to get emotional and cry. This will be my first grandchild and I'm really excited about it. I would like to hear some advice on how to approach my daughter regarding this. My heart goes out to her. I know it will happen for her someday but she wants to be pregnant so bad. All her friends have children or are pregnant now. She will be 34 in April. I feel like something should be said. Please help with some advice.

Agnell

I'm sorry for what every body wen through. Actually I'm the pregnat SIL. My brother in law's wife lost her baby at 12 weeks the same week that I concived a suprise and unplanned pregnancy, its my 3rd pregnancy and for her, it was her first. At the very first when we found out we didn't know how to tell them; we decided to tell them any way just the 2 of them, my husband and me when I was 12 weeks pregnant . She just busted into tears, I felt terrible and still do. They wouldn't talk to us for a few weeks,she hasn't want to see me, she says it's extremely difficult to see pregnant women and she needed some time.I under stand. However they are the only family we have, my brother in law comes over without her, and we try not to talk about it, but now I'm 20 weeks and I just feel so uncomfortable a found him. I feel I haven't been able to enjoy the joy of this pregnancy because of them. It feels like walking on eggshells. I'm so heart broken. I have tried to be patient and understand the situation. But it bothers me. I feel lucky because my pregnancy was just a blessing from God but I feel miserable because I can't share this joy with nine of my husbands fam freely. My side of the fam thinks they are selfish, and that they should be happy for us and just try to be happy for us for the families sake.
Yesterday I felt so bad and so upset because we went to this family friend, my IL didn't come ober, just my brother in law. And oir friend (how doesn't know of their loss) started to talk about finding out the babies sex, sudden my brother in law just cut of the conversation, saying something about his job. My husband felt the tension for a min or to, I just walked out of the room aND pretended nothing happend, mean while I just wanted to cry. Oh and btw, my in laws decided to move to another state before our baby is born. I really don't think anything is gonna be the same again...

NR

I think your post is really helpful thank you. I had a pregnant SIL who gave birth in April. I too have felt the same emotions. The fact that my brother in law only got married last year and my husband and I have been married over 6 years, it just seems unfair. Family gatherings are really tough as my BIL and SIL and new baby are constantly the centre of attention and my husband and I seem to be the 'forgotten ones'. I do struggle but put on a brace face for the sake of marriage. Hopefully it will be us next time.

Don't Count Your Eggs

Hi Ach! Congrats on your baby! It's rough road, and relationships definitely get strained. So happy to hear you're off the Island and wish you all the best.

ach

I have been lurking for at least a few years and am seriously SO happy to come back after several months away and find out that you are pregnant!! I found your blog at some point during our IF journey...we spent five years doing multiple IUIs and finally IVF. We do have a 5 month old daughter now from IVF and I can completely relate to this post...I think when you've experienced IF for so long, it is extremely difficult to change that mindset even if you are truly happy for the person, you still mourn your own situation and I agree that it's a normal human reaction. I still feel that initial pang of sadness / "it's not fair" reaction when I hear someone announce a pregnancy, even though I had a successful pregnancy and birth. I think it just changes your thinking permanently - or at least it did mine. I am hoping and praying for the best for you guys...

Don't Count Your Eggs

RH-- I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I get it. It is totally isolating. I often try to think of the big picture--that I will have a family one day and want to reconnect with people, so I try to do what I can in the moment to reach out or talk about the challenging feelings. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes not so much. Knowing I tried always makes me feel a little better. I wish you all the best on this dreaded Island.

RH

I really feel better after reading this.. infact its making me feel that my actions are normal for my state.. am on IF island from last 7 years.. and when ppl around me get pregnant so easily i just dont know how to handle myself or behave around them.. i just withdraw into a shell and avoid all contact.My best from school is pregnant and i just cant bear to take her calls.. its devastating for me after multiple implantation failures.. when ppl become pregnant the month they start TTC..i somehow feel the deserve and not deserve thing keeps coming in my head

Don't Count Your Eggs

Hi Jen and Dina, thanks for commenting. It is such a tricky thing, for sure. You are most definitely not alone in these feelings. And Cheryl-- I think we should make badges!

Jen

This post was excellent. I also have a pregnant SIL and am struggling with horrible feelings of jealousy and "deserving/not deserving" anxiety. She and my younger brother had only been married a few months - my husband and I have been married 4 years. When they told us, they knew we had been TTC and that the news would be especially hard for me, but they decided to just avoid the issue. I had every intention of "faking" my excitement for them for the next 9 months, when really I was destroyed by sadness and simply being around them. I finally had to be the one to approach them and just be upfront and honest about my feelings. It's helped a little...but I still feel very sad when I'm with them. Thank you for writing this. It's nice to feel I'm not alone.

Cheryl

Exactly!! Ha- I have become the "deserving or not" police. If I could write tickets and charge fines I would.

Dina

I have the same feelings and thoughts that you have written about.

It is really hard to be around other women who gets pregnant.

Seeing pregnant collegues at work is also very hard.

Thank you for writing this.

Don't Count Your Eggs

Thanks for sharing your experience with this topic ladies! It's a tough one for sure, and I think a lot of our feelings are really natural. Living on IF Island is traumatic in a lot of ways, and the experiences we have on the Island start to shape how we perceive things. I just keep trying to remember--as JCS wrote, to take things one day at a time. Recently, I also had the experience of being at a training about counseling for infertility with other mental health professionals. One of the therapists there was a woman who was the pregnant SIL. She had a gaggle of kids with no problems at all, but was pregnant when her SIL was really struggling. She talked about how bad she felt that her body and luck were serious triggers for someone she cared about. It was good for me to hear the other side of it. No one wants us to suffer, it's just a crappy and uncomfortable situation that is often met with misunderstanding and avoidance. But as I always say, it won't be like this forever. Much love to y'all.

A Few Good Eggs

Oh, this is such a tough situation and such a good post. I hate, hate, hate the feelings of jealousy and completely feel the same way. One of my best friends was due 6 weeks after my daughter (who was stillborn in January). Every time I hear about her baby, I think about how I should have a baby that is even older and it breaks my heart. And now that I am, miraculously, pregnant again, I have a few close friends who are also pregnant... and instead of just being happy, all I can do is think "They haven't been married that long and just started trying! How are they due a few weeks before me?" It kills me. I hate that I am mad/jealous/upset but the feelings just bubble up.

Anyway... great post.

Deb

I guess I have just enough (dumb) optimism that I tend to think 'Won't they be jealous when I finally do get to have a baby and all they have is some big kid.' It doesn't even make sense, but it makes me feel better.

Jillian @ tendrilandtwine.com

This was a great post. My SIL become pregnant when my husband and I were just beginning to understand the depths of our infertility. She decided not to ask me about our infertility and carried on with her pregnancy expecting me to just sail along with her in joy. I couldn't do that. Our relationship is totally ruined. She says that she can't imagine what we're going through and that she's really sad for us. I can't take that attitude. I'm glad you are in a good place with your SIL - I wish I had tried harder to make my situation with my SIL better, but sometimes infertility - all of the hard feelings and situations - just make it too hard. Seriously, I wish our families on both sides would do a little research on their own about infertility, so that I didn't always have to explain everything to them.

Infertile_Me

I can absolutely relate to the "rules" the brain makes about who is "deserving" of being pregnant and how those rules affect how I feel about it. For instance, even when someone has a history of loss or IF, I get upset when they conceive quickly after giving birth or after they start TTC again, especially if they are still nursing. Like, I actually cry at my computer... even when I am pregnant! I try to reframe my thoughts and tell myself that they ARE deserving of a little luck, just as I am. I mean, I would be thrilled to get accidentally pregnant 5 months after giving birth (I think). But, my initial reaction is usually bitterness ("It's not fair!").

Christiana

Amen, Maya.

JCS

I completely relate to this post. Well said. I have struggled with repeated miscarriage and have felt frustration, jealousy and bitterness towards couples who sail through an easy pregnancy without a care in the world. Of course, I don't wish the pain I've experienced on anyone and I am happy for friends who are having success expanding their families but that feeling of "deserving" definitely creeps in and darkens my perspective. I am especially annoyed by couples who have a baby now or on the way but were married years after my husband and I were. It's silly but I can't help but feel like it's our turn and they are jumping the line. One thing that has helped me cope is to take things one day at a time and be accepting of our twisty, winding, longer than expected journey. This helps calm my anxiety and allows us to relish in the diminishing time we have together that is kid-free. So while these fertile myrtles are changing diapers and sleep deprived, my husband and I are going to fabulous restaurants, sleeping in, having lazy weekends and paying off debt. Not bad! :)

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