The name of this post sounds sooo dreary!
Last year I wrote this post on Black Friday, as a reminder of what is truly important in our lives. This year, while I feel similarly that going through infertility has help me prioritize my life and that the only thing I can ever think to want is a baby, the feeling of wanting to go out and contribute to the economy is a little bit stronger this year. Luckily since I'm still fairly home-bound and not a huge fan of on-line shopping (I know, who am I, right?) I won't be doing much shopping today. Mmmm. Maybe a little.
I kind of have the urge to buy baby stuff. It's a happy urge, but one that is accompanied by massive amounts of paranoia and superstition. Sometimes I envy women who can buy all kinds of things and prepare for their expected babies. I envy the ability to have sheer confidence that everything will go smoothly, because they don't have any ideas about the other side of that coin. I envy the idea of being able to choose a name and say it out-loud. But I also know how very lucky I am right now. We will be 23 weeks on Sunday.
I remember during one of the interviews we did for our documentary, the mother-to-be via adoption had just had an "adoption shower." We went upstairs to see the baby room and it was filled with stuff and toys. But in the corner of the room there was also a pile of maternity clothes that she was selling on Ebay. The pile of clothes broke my heart. It was a reminder of her three miscarriages and the loss of her hopes to carry and give birth to her baby. But the room filled with cute baby stuff was so hopeful and alive. Two very conflicting feelings and experiences in one space. We hugged by the pile of clothes and turned our attention to the rest of the room. I asked if she felt nervous or worried at all that the birth mother might change her mind, and she smiled, sighed, and said, "If you build it they will come." Her baby was born a few months later, and he came. He's now 8 months old and all legal paperwork etc. is complete.
So while there are often a lot of mixed or conflicting feelings on IF Island, especially when P after ART, I think the idea of always being hopeful and optimistic is important. It's really hard some times. REALLY hard. But I keep telling myself that it is ok to buy a new pair of pants that can fit over my ass right now, and it's ok to invest in a few baby things. Today might be a good day for that, because at most places right now if you buy anything you'll get a free 40" TV-- or something.
Each one of us on IF Island has to constantly create our new normal and redefine what feels good and right. And we all come to the table with perhaps more fear than we'd like. But sometimes checking that fear at the door and trying to just do what you want is ok too. I think.
I hope everyone in the U.S. had a nice Turkey Day and that left over pie is treating you all well.