I have a friend who has a child via egg donor and her mother continues to refer to the egg donor as the "real mother" of the child. This drives my friend bananas. She is the "real" mother (is there such a thing as a fake mother?). I know other people who struggle with this kind of stuff within their family. The egg donor is often referred to as the "biological mother" or some other term that includes the word mother. I get this too sometimes, like when people ask me if Momo's father was "the Japanese one." I gently correct people in my response, "Yes, the sperm provider was Japanese," but I understand how IF Islanders might get frustrated with trying to figure out the language of donor conception and educating their loved ones about it. Because let's face it, we can tell people a thousand times what our preferences are when it comes to this stuff and it will still get mangled.
In all fairness, it is confusing. And it is especially confusing to my parent's generation. My dad continuously refers to the embryo transfer as a transplant or implant (as in liver or dental?) and describes the process of our donor cycle with my sis as Noah's sperm "impregnating" my sister's eggs (it's inseminating, Dad!). I have to constantly re-explain the difference between an egg and embryo to my aunt and occasionally remind my father-in-law that Momo might not look like Noah or me because she's not genetically related. I remember trying to explain IVF to my grandma when she was still alive. She got it, sort of. It appeared that she didn't really know how babies were made naturally, let alone with medical intervention. But she didn't care, she just wanted us to have a baby.
Everyone who has conceived through alternative means and is open about it may have to have a conversation about the terms used to describe their process. We have to try and be patient with others and understand that when many of us grudgingly moved to IF Island, we got a crash course in a new language that our loved ones just didn't get. Being fluent in Spanish or Chinese would probably be way more useful, but here we are. We each have to decided how we want to talk about this stuff and how we want to refer to the outside help some of us got. And that's ok. It's just something to figure out. We are all "real" people and I when Momo's time comes, I will be the "real" mother and Noah will be the "real" father and one day my dad will know what a sperm does to an egg in a petri dish and he will be the "real" grandpa, finally.
Until then we all keep on trucking. Noah and I have an estimated 30 days until we get to be "real" parents. I just bought a carton of milk that expires ten days past Momo's due date, so I guess that means sh*t just got real, for real. Perhaps we should pack a bag.
Have a great weekend everyone and remember that MARCH 1 is our Indiegogo fundraiser launch date for our documentary, One More Shot. There will be more video posts and updates this month, so stay tuned and help spread the word!