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October 12, 2016

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Pamela O

I needed this right now, because after our failed FET this summer, I can't help but feel like I'm on this crazy highwire and I can't rest and I can't go backwards and I can't see the other side, and I'm just walking and walking and trying not to fall, but I feel constantly terrified nothing is going to work and I'll be stuck on this wire forever.

It's not logical, and it's not who I am usually. But it's who I am right now.

Considering egg donation in Mexico next. With my age (almost 37) and endometriosis and ovaries that have both been cut on by a surgeon, my IVF chances just aren't that great, and I can't put myself through another likely failure. Here's a post about my thought process:

https://ladypartadventures.wordpress.com/2016/10/18/next-stop-mexico

But it'll be the end of our savings to try (even in Mexico), which means we might get to zero and still have nothing, and that thought makes it hard to breathe, and how can I do this right, how can I stop being a basketcase, when I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff and kinda PTSD from my miscarriage followed by a failed FET?

How does anyone do this?

Trying to breathe. Trying.

C

Heather, I hope and pray this transfer gives you your baby!
I am trying to be present. To be with my baby who grows up so fast. Put down phone, stop the past or future oriented thinking, get in my senses. Enjoy, rather, be present, with my baby, because my to do list is not going anywhere.
I was so bummed to get my period back when my baby was only five months. (I breastfeed exclusively but know full well my body has a mind of its own, after years of failed IVF) I had a very high Venus week then weeks of bad pms. I miss the calm me. The contrast is stark!So now I am also trying to go with that flow again, saving challenges for the good part of the month, taking care of myself during the bad part.

Heather

This is a perfect post right now as I prepare for the third round of donated embryo transfer. As the nurse reminded me, it is my "final" round - no pressure - and it follows two miscarriages this year. I'll be honest, I don't exactly know how to go with the flow. There is a part of me that almost feels like hope isn't helping - it sets up expectations that have not been met during this journey. So, letting go means focusing on what I can do today, who I can positively effect, and bringing more love and gratitude for the people and experiences in my life that are feeding my soul. I appreciate the previous posts as well - very heartfelt and helpful.

Marisa H.

Hi there! The short of your film was sent to me by a mutual friend, Meredith Marshall who said she used to work with your husband and was at the film premiere. (By the way, how do I see the whole film?) Just 2 days ago, I had my first IVF transfer after about a year long journey to get to this point. So I'm in the 2-ish week wait to see if I'm pregnant. I have really struggled with, but am incredibly grateful for the opportunity, to truly go with the flow. Not say it, as we often do when we're having a bad day at work or things aren't going our way. But truly find techniques and tricks to embody it. I've been doing it with respect to IVF of course - cancelling work meetings, cancelling trips and plans, remembering not to get too excited with good news or upset with bad news because it will all change next week or month - but it's helped me with all aspects of my life too. Not letting work dominant my emotional and mental state. Being present with friends and family, particularly my husband. Being available for others who need help and are going through their own dramatic journey - kid not getting into the right private school, a break-up, a pet passing away - without judgement relative to my own experience.

In a nutshell, I think the forced opportunity to embody going with the flow has made me a nicer and happier person! I've found that overall I'm not as cynical and less reactive and more open to new perspectives. And the hamster that's constantly running in my head - through lists, plans, to-dos, what-ifs - seems to have slowed down. Maybe it's all the estrogen I'm on! But I like to think it's something deeper.

My biggest tips are binaural beats and visualization. Type "binaural beats" into youtube for several free tracks. Listen with headphones for 20-30 minutes a day and visualize - deeply, with focus and purpose - whatever it is you need in the moment. I find longer can be too intense, but I did it up to an hour in my last retrieval cycle when things were not looking good on day 9 and 10. I ended up retrieving 14 eggs on day 13. I'm doing it now, visualizing implantation and letting my body take over...I know it knows what to do...our bodies are better at going with the flow than our minds, so there's some solace in that. I also do acupuncture with a specialist in fertility. Who knows if it's working, but I have to believe some of the changes I'm witnessing are attributable to it. Thanks for your great blog.

Jojo

Thanks for the shoutout :). This is one of the hardest parts of the IF battle in my opinion. For me going with the flow means I let go of timelines and comparisons in my head. I stop putting arbitrary timelines ( I need to be pregnant by my birthday or insert holiday). I also try not to compare my timeline or life to others. I used to think ' I just hope I can get pregnant before x has another baby or this friend is getting married in a few months so I only have a few more months before she starts trying to get pregnant etc. I had to totally let go of that. Other people's journey or pregnancy or lives do not make mine any better or worse. I let go of thinking there is a specific timeline and just trust if I move forward the best I can that is all I can do. I also log off of social media when I am feeling vulnerable and pretty much only follow people who post pictures of cute dogs or news stories :). Our minds are powerful so doing anything you can to protect yourself from triggers and at the same time letting go of comparing yourself to others can help a lot. Finally-- whenever I feel myself getting sad or feeling sorry for myself I try to remember that life is about living the life you have the best you can-- not wishing for a different story. We are not victims of IF but more brave warriors battling IF. Xoxo

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