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December 09, 2016

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Jojo

Wow C- that was such a beautiful note and heartfelt apology. I see how we can all get defensive and I obviously was too. Your humility humbled me as well and I will try to be less defensive on my end. Wishing you lots of luck and a beautiful Christmas.

C

I am so sorry I hurt people's feelings! I can see why what I said was hurtful. It was a mistake. When you are in the middle of your painful infertility journey it's hard to be at peace with everything and you may feel defensive of your choices because your happy outcome isn't here yet. Once your child is here I am sure you will feel peace, and that, as I see it, God has blessed you with the child you were always meant to have. My journey is over and so perhaps this isn't the place to share my thoughts anymore, or at least I should be more careful. My feelings are my truth, no one else's, and I feel strongly about my truth as we each do. I am proud of the path we took and want others to know about this option, but I forgot to take others' feelings into account in this sensitive spot, an infertility blog, which was a mistake. My wording was clumsy. I forgot this is not a simple journal entry and I'm sorry!
I should clarify that I am not against egg donation. In fact we had our child thanks to egg donation and then embryo donation.
I was just sharing how we made our own very personal choice about what to do. It was amazing to get to know a family who had struggled with the dilemma of what to do with their leftover embryos for years and was so happy to donate their embryos to us. Embryo donation of very high quality embryos thanks to the original egg donor's young age is a wonderful option for some. I know I couldn't take another failed transfer, just like you, although we did still have one failed transfer of a single donated embryo.
Now of course I worry that I will offend some again because I wonder what egg donors would think if they knew more than one family might have a child thanks to what they gave. Maybe they would prefer something else. But this is how things turned out. I hope you will understand.
I see how what I wrote sounded like judgment of others' choices so thanks for reminding me. I wish you all peace during this special season.

Jojo

Also, 'C'-- by your logic isn't adopting an older child with very little hope of adoption actually the 'more loving' way? Come on with that phrasing. We are all finding our way that feels right. You smug judgement is pretty disparaging. If you didn't mean to phrase it the way you did- please be more careful next time. My path to a donor egg baby is not 'less loving' than your donor embryo adoption. Nor does it mean God will not bless me the same as you.

Jojo

Pamela- I wish we were real-life friends. I felt that little dig by 'C' and appreciate your comment. Luckily- I am so grateful and happy for my donor egg path. Bud judginess from our own feels a bit like a betrayal- however thinly veiled it is communicated. Xo

Pamela

C, it sounds like you're still being a bit "judgy and smug" toward people using egg donors. I guess we all still have some spots to work on.

Elizabeth

Well, I ignored your advice and read the links, and now I feel dirty. What a dispiriting story. I don't think this kind of sensational story helps normalize infertility or IVF at all. It just seems like another crazy Hollywood thing. Honestly, the fact that the trust fund is such a big part of the story makes my cynical side wonder if he's just doing this to get his hands on the money. When we did IVF, we made decisions about all possible contingencies with frozen embryos. I find it hard to believe that they didn't also.

C

Maya, I'm hoping that's more "fake news" from Macedonia or somewhere like what they've been talking about lately. We chose to adopt embryos because we felt it was the more loving way, rather than using an egg donor to create more, possibly excess, embryos. And we are so happy with our choice. We feel God has blessed us for doing the right thing. However, to dip my toe in the muddy waters, embryos also need a mother who desires to give life, a family, etc., and then, God's will that they actually grow to be born...
Pamela, I was just like you, "judgy" and smug. Like you I wouldn't say anything unkind, but my thoughts were less than sympathetic. It helps me lower my expectations for kindness and empathy from others to remember how I was when I was an ignorant woman who got pregnant with her daughter on the first "try". I mean, I once thought if a woman I knew drank less diet Coke it might help her get pregnant! Thank God I didn't say it! So ashamed of it now and so determined to be kind to any and all friends and family no matter what difficulties they are going through.
So yes, if people want to judge they will judge, Sofia Vergara or no. As a practicing and believing Catholic, I've seen it well in my own church. Thank God my priest believes the church should get out of the bedroom and back into the living room. There's a reason Jesus focused most of his teachings on the wrongs of judging others, the need to love all...

Pamela O

It's not easy to admit this, but I think one reason the judginess can be cringey is because I used to be... not judgmental exactly, but I had this feeling of "I'm glad that's not me" when it came to infertility. And of course I'd never have SAID anything unkind to a person dealing with infertility (and I was an egg donor to help said people), but there was a certain smugness that went along with knowing I'd never deal with it. After all, I was married at age 33, and my husband was 30, and we were healthy as horses. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, it's four years and three failed IVFs later, and embryo donation is looking like our best option. Now it's us grappling with all these questions and possibilities and costs and potential complications and sending every ounce of good energy I have toward a young woman who will soon be injecting herself several times a day to create the eggs for a batch of embryos from which I will take two (if available) and hopefully "bake up" twins (though I'm very well aware that an embryo does not in any way guarantee a baby).

When I was an egg donor, I remember sending all those good vibes toward the intended parents and hoping so much for good things for them. I got a wink and a nod that things went well, and I was so happy.

Anyway, point is, now I have a feeling some other people will be looking at us with that same smug ignorance, maybe feeling a little bad for us, and the worst of them will say mean things to our faces or behind our backs.

And you know what? When I'm reading my kid(s) to sleep at night, do you know how much I'm gonna care what judgy people think? Nope, even less than that :P

Jojo

Ughhh. I think we know all too well how much those little embryos are not guarantees of life. I know I sure do. I found that really coming to terms and feeling grateful that I have the opportunity for IVF and donor eggs makes me kind of not care what others/ media/ those blissfully ignorant think or say. When ignorant and offensive comments are made to me, I shrug them off and feel confident in my complete acceptance and what I think is a great blessing to be able to have access too. I know my confidence and unflappability (is that a word??) has on more than one occasion thrown someone off. I feel secure in my deep gratitude and undeterred in my pursuit for my little family. I will also have the gift of perspective and relish every moment and a parent and not sweat the small stuff as much. That is a gift that gives back the rest of my life!

Ashley

With you on this one. I don't think it helps us IVFers in any way to see things like this! Ugh. They make it seem like it's so easy and that it's nothing to make decisions like this.

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