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February 01, 2017

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Don't Count Your Eggs

OMG. Pamela. I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing ok. Thinking about you and sending love.

Heather

I really enjoyed the story you shared about you and Noah - it conveys so much about your relationship, your experience, and the bond that helps you weather the journey together. I also love the idea of reflection questions at the end. The only one I would suggest adding (and it is somewhat implied in your last question) is: Does it help you during challenging times to have a support system? If so, what does that look like for you?

Pamela

I laughed out loud in a coffee shop at "bread sandwich." This stuff is gold.

And, hm, it's true you can blame a dishwashing disaster on someone else, and let them deal with it. But it's also true that you can't really blame anyone for fertility issues. Which means you can't pin it on Ian -- but you shouldn't pin it on yourself, either. It's really, truly no one's fault. So you might as well blame Ian. ;)

I just found out I'm having a second blighted ovum, this time with a donor embryo. Girding my loins to venture once more unto the breach. It's what you do. It's all you can do.

Deb

I love this project and the way that you're getting feedback from us, your blog readers. I also really adore the personal details you share here. It takes the material way beyond the so-universal-it's almost unbearably-generic and meaningless level that most self-help books stay at. And it's just so sweet. It also is so important for introducing your tone and your and Noah's perspectives on yourselves and the world. We already see Noah as a realist who balances your more anxious impulses. Being surrounded by a flooding dishwasher is nearly the perfect metaphor for infertility, but the fact that this initial vignette you can blame on someone else makes it tellingly different. Anyway, I love where you're going with this so very much.

I love the question about whether you want someone to be an image of you or you'd rather have a family. It's so interesting, being the mom of an OE IVF-produced human, how I thought in therapy before deciding I wanted to have kids that children were narcissistic projections of oneself. Now I realize how much my kiddo doesn't reflect on me at all or seem like me at all or teach me anything about my inherent goodness or anything, which is what I expected a genetically-related-to-me kid to do. Instead, she's just so clearly her own damn being. Amazingly sui generis, if that's the right Latin phrase. I may have initially wanted to replicate myself or heal my own childhood wounds by trying again with a new me, but my daughter is a person who is just as independent, distinct, and unlike me in all of the significant ways as a daughter born of a donated egg or embryo. I not only believe that, but feel it 100% in my gut.

Jojo

SUCH GREAT QUESTIONS and I think you should include this background. It helps build your story to have color around who you and Noah are (obviously adorable). My husband and I are both kind of like Noah which has made coping through the curve balls of procreating a bit easier but also being on it enough to pay our parking bills a bit harder.

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