Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't been in a dark hole of despair. I swear. The opposite actually. Well, not the opposite. I have moments, but I've been feeling ok and so appreciate everyones love and support. I did a mass email to "untell" all the friends and family I told, and while I felt...sad and kind of guilty, like I was letting people down or something, for a moment it actually felt good to me that I had so many people I blabbed my mouth off to to support me in good times and bad. I thought I would dread it, but it actually felt like I was normalizing that not all pregnancies work out and it's ok and safe to talk about it. I'm not responsible for making other people feel comfortable, but if I'm comfortable sharing then others will follow my lead.
What's been interesting to observe is my brain's tendency toward self-blame. Many of us do this, right? Something goes wrong and we try to find a reason or a cause, and with pregnancy, because it's in our bodies, we make that assumption that maybe we didn't do something we should have, or did do something we shouldn't have. I know some of us do this, not all. But I noticed over the past few weeks I find myself wondering if I lost the pregnancy because I'm out of shape. Because I'm tired and a bit worn down (Momo wakes up at 4am. Like. Every. Day). I wonder if I didn't DO enough to...I don't even know what, protect it? When I notice my mind going down this path I let it for a moment and then I just try to stop it. While I do believe it was likely a chromosome problem with my eggs, because most early miscarriages are, I also remind myself that people on crack get pregnant and carry to term. People in war zones. People under extreme stress. People who don't take prenatals or eat well, or eat much at all. Sometimes this happens and finding fault is a fruitless pursuit because in the end how does that help me?
Well, it doesn't and maybe it does a little. The experience has helped me realize I really do want #2 and that I need to get my ass in decent shape-- not just physically, and not because I think the fact that I haven't worked out in two years or that I only eat scraps off Momo's plate and a various assortment of string cheese and carbs caused this pregnancy to end, but because I need to feel like I have done everything I can to provide the best environment to grow a baby. Because I have one shot at this with the second embryo, and I want to know I am strong, mentally, emotionally and physically to do the transfer, and deal with the aftermath which will hopefully be a pregnancy and then a newborn.
I worked extremely hard to get and keep Momo in my belly. And birth was no walk in the park. This accidental pregnancy almost felt too easy. Easy in an amazing way-- that I will likely never really know. Soooo.... I'm committed to getting myself ready for transfer and being pregnant while having a toddler. I'll allow myself whatever space and time I need to feel bummed and disappointed, and I understand that some people just have to work really hard to create a family. I'm one of those worker bees.
So since March 1st I've changed my diet (no sugar unless it's fruit, no caffeine-- this is the killer right now, no dairy, no wheat) am am eating whole foods and lots of veggies and adding algae and other good stuff to cleanse the system. Basically I am prioritizing being a healthy eater again and when I say I desperately miss eating a box of cookies every night, I'm not exaggerating. I DESPERATELY miss it to the point where I find myself sniffing a bag of chocolate chips I have in a kitchen cabinet. It's pathetic. I'm addicted to sugar. So there's my diet and then there's the shape I'm in, or not in. I can no longer claim my workout is "chasing a toddler around all day," because it isn't making me look or feel good. Doing infertility treatments for years takes a toll. Being pregnant and on bedrest (did I mention I was almost 180 lbs when I delivered? I'm 5'4 and change) makes the body basically atrophy, so I hired a friend of mine who is a personal trainer to work with me. And the third change I've made is I'm going to take care of myself. I haven't in a long time. I preach self-care all the time but I don't practice it. So I got a massage and will get a facial this month, and on my 37th birthday, April 2nd, I will feel fucking fabulous even if it kills me! All this stuff takes time I don't have and money I don't have but for the month of March I'm just doing it and not thinking about it. I make me and my health a priority over other things and it will all find a way to get done. I will go through my gross clothes and get rid of stuff that has holes. That's my plan for March. Noah and I are kind of documenting it as if I'm a caterpillar and suddenly in one month I'll be a beautiful butterfly, so maybe I'll throw up a video in a bit. I've had no motivation for a long time and am often just trying to get through the day, but all that's got to change. And now I have motivation. We are planning to transfer embryo #2 by August at the latest. So I have to get my shit together. Period the end.
I really haven't felt good for a long time, in my body and in my energy. So while I'm using the embryo transfer as motivation, I'm really doing this for me. Because I know the embryo will either work or it won't and the outcome likely has nothing to do with my diet or my flabby thighs, but I want to feel good and I want to feel strong. So that's my plan. When I wrote to the clinic saying we were going to plan for a summer transfer, I got an email back about blood tests I'd need to do and costs of the procedure and while my heart sank for a moment, I just reminded myself some of us have to really work for it. I'll have to spend the cash. I'll have to drive to all the doctor appointments. I'll have to do the progesterone in oil to the buns (ugh that's the works), and I'll have to fly to another state and hold my breath and cross my fingers that the embryo thaws and that it takes and that it turns into Momo's sibling. I'm willing to work. I'm willing to fight for it. I just have to find the energy and my spirit back. So that's the game plan.
Thanks again for all the love everyone. I might keep writing about this for a bit unless no one cares and my month of personal spring cleaning is just lame, then I'll get back to the book. But if you're on board and want to take a few weeks to activate some motivation and self-care and energy to feeling good in your body and life then join me on this! Next stop is cleaning out the closest.