« Is it harder to get a donor for number two? | Main | Reframing the fantasy (or why do I want a second child) »

April 25, 2017

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Betty

Maya I love your blog! I come here all the time and this is one of my go-to blogs for comfort as I am still TTC #1 with severe DOR. Personal blogs are always going to be personal, and that is why I read them, to relate to others like me. There aren't a lot of us and the stories of women with DOR who are trying for #2 are still important and helpful.

Don't Count Your Eggs

Thanks for the comments, except for the nasty one, but I never tell anyone to give up or look for higher truths. I'm not in any position to tell anyone what to do on their journey and I apologize if I've offended or hurt feelings. This is a personal blog so everything is my perspective and while I try to maintain as much space for people in any given situation to feel included, I also have to stay true to where I am in my process, so again, apologies if it comes off as self-centered. I actually thought this was an interesting topic, though perhaps not to people still working on their first child, so I get that. But the concept of trying between cycles for a first child, or after moving on to a different family building option like adoption or even after deciding to live child-free, does one still "try?" Or not not try? I found that I don't like the idea of letting a potential egg drop without at least giving it some kind of chance, but I don't test for ovulation and I don't stop drinking (coffee or other) during the tww, and I don't really consider it a tww. Nothing was a go this month and for the first time I didn't feel hugely disappointed, just curious because somehow, still after all this, I am convinced each time it is going to work. Also the fact that Momo's embryo match-- is that a term? Is still there for us makes whatever happens now ok. Anyway, those are my two cents. As far as Noah goes... he doesn't know what to think anymore, poor guy. He will be happy with whatever child we can end up with for our second and will be just as happy with just Momo if that's what is in our cards.

Pamela-- good luck to you. You're in my thoughts as always.
Deb-- I'll write about wanting a sib because I have been thinking about it and they why of all of it lately so thanks for that topic.
And thanks as always, Jojo and Deb for having my back. ;)

Also, miracle stories and thoughts about this stuff are super helpful. m

Deb

I don't get ohease's complaint. Is it against Maya or one of the commentators??

If the former--it really doesn't make sense to me. This is a personal blog, not a support group for us infertile types.of course it's all about her. That's the point.If we find comfort or encouragement in it, that's based on our own empathy, projection, interpretation of Maya's experiencce. She is amazingly generous and brave to share in order to counter the silence and misunderstanding around infertility. And she is extremely cognizant of how vast the range of experience of infertility can be.

Ok reading more oh please really isn't making sense and I agree sounds like she's reacting out of pain and dismay. In which case I, too, feel for you, sister! Your anger at Amaya is misguided, but I understand anger. I hope that things work out better for you soon.

Jojo

Glad to see you go 'oh please' commenter. Your cold and unsympathetic words are shocking in this community. Maya's pain is her pain- not yours to judge. To write something so off base and mean I can only imagine you are suffering tremendously so my heart goes out to you. But please- no need to drag others down as well. We lift one another up in this community and you can always unfollow quietly and find a different source of comfort. MAYA WE LOVE YOU AND NONE OF THAT COMMENT IS TRUE.

ohplease

I'm sorry but I find you very narcissistic.
People like me had come to this blog to get encouragement and it's all about you and whatever it is you're going through at the moment...now that you are going through wanting number 2, we are supposed to be sympathetic to you again. I find that you have very little sympathy for women who are in the process when you are not going through the process yourself.
Just be aware of what you post and that at any given moment some woman out there might be in a position you previously found yourself in and dont appreciate being told to give up or to contemplate the higher truths of life....because you yourself have little contemplation of the it when you are going through it yourself. I'm never coming back to this blog again. I thought I like and related to you once but I can never bring myself to read your blog again

Deb

Another question: what does Noah think?

C

It is very personal whether you try or not. I've stated here before that my husband has very low sperm counts and yet we conceived the first month we casually decided to "try". The doctor was mystified and could only posit his counts must have been better then! Maybe I should stop sharing that! Not very helpful for those of you who don't get a miracle story, because yes they are out there, but not everyone gets one. That's the dilemma, the hope for a miracle story, because it is possible, just not likely. We didn't know ours was a miracle story until we had to go through years of IVF and finally embryo donation to have our second child, which finally cured my monthly raised hopes for a second miracle, never mind hopes for a successful IVF. Now I'm only sorry when I get my period because it's so damn heavy postpartum. I hope each of you gets to put infertility behind you like I could after embryo donation. It's a part of my life but it's in the past. Wishing you all peace with your decisions...

S

It is a personal decision if, when and how to proceed with building a family. We ttc our second child for 4 yrs - I have severe DOR, and a ruptured ovary following my first IVF cycle, after that happened, only one ovary produced eggs. I had 6 unsuccessful IVF cycles and 3 miscarriages before making the decision to move forward with donor eggs. I was waiting to get my period in order to start medication for a frozen donor egg transfer when I conceived my daughter. I had decided to stay off the pill while we selected a donor. I still tracked ovulation (old habits die hard) although I didn't get a period for 4 months.
I was told there was a around a 1% chance of natural conception and above 50% chance of miscarriage. I gave birth to her when I was 42yrs old.
For me if there was a small chance I was willing to throw everything at it , although I was worried about how a miscarriage would psychologically effect me when leading into a donor transfer.

Deb

Hey Maya. I'm wondering if you will write a bit more about why you want a sibling for Momo, hopefully so I can work through my ambivalence about a second child. In some ways it seems obvious why one would want another child. But I'm wondering about your feeling like it would be good for Momo. Both my husband and I aren't sure having siblings was over all good for us. And we're wondering about the division of already-stretched household resources (money, apartment space, our nerves). But then when you think too rationally, it's had to lay out the reasons to have a first child too... anyway, wondering if this will come up more on your blog or if you can direct me to a post where you've already worked through some of this.

Rese

I had a "natural" pregnancy miscarriage on our break month about 1 cycle of IVF before we moved to donor eggs. It for sure made me question whether there was hope with my own eggs and messed a bit with my head. I stayed logical, went with the odds (not in my favor) and went forward with donor eggs. Now, after my donor egg conceived child is here, I certainly don't prevent anything but not really trying either. It is a hard habit for me to break, counting days till ovulation but I am just rolling with it and chuckle to myself when my GYN thinks I should be on BC pills. My response is: "well I have about a 1-2% chance of that happening, so if it does then I was meant to have 3 kids!".

Deb

In response to Pamela's suggestion that trying could be just for fun, my thought is that if there's a reason that you have miscarriages if you manage to conceive, but there's something about IVF that keeps you from miscarrying (like the progesterone supplementation, perhaps), then trying on your own might be very counter-productive. Which is not to say I wouldn't do it if I were you, Maya. I'd just feel weird about it.

Pamela O

I'm in a slightly different position -- we're on a waiting list for donor embryos (with luck we shouldn't wait much more than another month to get matched, but sometimes it takes longer), and I'm trying to figure out whether to just stay on birth control pills until we get a match (sometimes they come out of the blue and have compressed timelines; the expectation is that we just stay on pills until we get a match) or keep "shooting for the moon" while we wait, so that I don't feel like I'm completely sitting on my hands until someone else decides our fate.

Putting it like that, I guess I should just be a good girl and stay on the pills. But there always is that little hope in the back of your mind... What if? What if this would have been our jackpot month?

But you can drive yourself nuts thinking like that. And I've never much liked gambling.

On the other hand, if you have no reason to be on pills, why not just give it a go when the mood strikes? (More likely around ovulation...) Understanding your odds are low and assuming it's just for fun and not stressing about any two weeks waits. Maybe easier said than done, of course. (The not stressing or getting your hopes up, that is.)

J

We're in a similar position. We have a child via IVF, 2 frozen embryos. and are thinking of #2. We've never conceived on our own but...it could happen I guess. I've had two friends have spontaneous pregnancies and second babies after primary infertility and a child conceived via IVF. That hopefulness makes it harder in some ways. I feel like I'm back to the "let's try it all" of the infertility process. We made the RE appointment to aim for an embryo transfer in September. The idea is to enjoy summer (I'm a teacher, so have a nice break) and who knows what may happen. But I agree with you that we cannot go back down the "trying on our own" path again - too bleak and hard on our marriage.

Jojo

I have thought about this too and am mixed. I don't think I will ever go on birth control or actively avoid a 'natural' pregnancy but I also have so much relief carrying a donor egg baby right now. I guess ultimately it is good because I don't have a huge need and desire for an own egg pregnancy so each month I won't go through that terrible hell waiting for a positive pregnancy test. At the same time, I am open to what the universe brings.

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Working...
Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.

Working...

Post a comment

Your Information

(Name is required. Email address will not be displayed with the comment.)

NOH15_BadgesBlogNominee
Click here to VOTE for the blog!
6a017c37e1a8bb970b01a73deb2e50970d-300wi
My Photo

Photo Albums

Logo
Check Out Baby Quest Foundation!