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June 12, 2017

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María

I'm just in that moment. We have a boy that was conceived through egg donation (he's almost 2 years old). And we had an embryo left. We did the transfer in march and it didn't work.
We feel so drained and guilty because the treatment took away so much from us, emotionally, physically and economically that part of us stopped living the everyday life with our baby boy. So now, we're thinking about loving our life as it is.
I don't want to feel drained and I don't want to suffer and think about what we don't have instead of enjoying my life as it is! So for now, we are fully present in our life and it's a gift.

Heather

I decided to take a break after the third miscarriage (last November). I didn't know for how long, but knew no matter what that I needed to feel strong again. This includes physically, mentally and emotionally. I went back to the gym, took an impromptu trip to Italy with my husband, visited my best friend in another state, and am about to head to Napa for a girls trip with my aunt and cousin. I felt like I put my life on hold - like somehow that would help me get and stay pregnant. If anything, I had tons of anxiety and felt disconnected from my feelings. This time has been so healing and very necessary. I'm about to embark on another FET from a donor embryo (transfer in July). I have some mixed feelings, but mostly positive and trusting of the process. So, that's a long way of saying that I acknowledge the importance of listening to your body and trusting your instincts.

Pamela

Oh my gosh, lately for us it's been a complete roller coaster. We waited and waited for a donor embryo profile that really resonated with us, and when it happened I felt so happy and peaceful. I felt like I was being pulled forward by the universe, like THIS WAS IT! On my nightly walks I felt like I was walking with boy/girl twins who were just around the corner. It was so easy to picture them, to imagine their future.

Then at the last minute the egg donor needed to delay for nine days. I had already started my estrogen (and already bought my non-refundable plane ticket), but I was told to just stop the estrogen and stay on Lupron and buy another ticket. I was feeling wary, like maybe the donor would back out completely, or maybe she wasn't in the right head space to be donating eggs, but I said OK.

A week later she did back out completely. We were gutted. So much time and energy and hope seemingly wasted.

By coincidence, another egg donor was cycling at the same time, and we were told there was a possibility she could be swapped in as our egg donor (if the two other couples signed up for the profile agreed). The sperm donor's ethnicity bears no relation to ours, but the egg donor shared my husband's ethnicity. With the new egg donor, neither of them shares either of our ethnicities. And I didn't feel nearly the same connection with the egg donor. I felt paralyzed. It wasn't what we signed up for, but it would feel awful to waste even more time and hope and money, and God only knew when we'd get another profile. Should we hang back or move forward? How on earth were we supposed to decide?

My husband seemed fine with it, ready to go forward, so that broke the paralysis in my mind. But it's kind of funny/odd how we ended up here. All the crazy twists and turns this road can take. All the possibilities closed down and new ones opened up. All the branch-point choices that may change everything forever in totally unknown and unpredictable ways.

Good Lord it's exhausting sometimes. I've been living on fumes of hope for so long. And this profile seems totally random, no angels singing, no feeling of "meant to be." (As a writer, I look for those things -- for better or worse.) It just kind of dropped into our laps.

I guess sometimes the universe is more random -- or inscrutable -- than I like to think. I guess I read too much, which causes me to look for meaning and symbolism where there may be none. Or maybe I'm making the completely wrong choice here.

Sigh. I just want this to be over. We just passed our four year anniversary of trying to conceive. I'm so tired.

Britney

My If journey is very similar to yours. A couple rounds of IVF over 5 years with no luck until an adopted embryo gave us an amazing little girl who will be 2 next week. At first we wanted to give her a sibling and hoped for that illusive spontaneous pregnancy. Maybe my body would figure out what to do now that I successfully carried a child. But I had a huge fear that if it did happen, I'd miscarry. I've never gotten pregnant on my own and now that I'm 41, I think my risk is pretty high. When I read your post when you lost yours, I was devastated for you. We discussed adopting another embryo from our clinic but I'd have to fly up north to do it. And all the thoughts of getting on that IF roller coaster just seemed too much for me. And being pregnant while chasing my toddler around also feels like it would be too much for me. I had a difficult pregnancy and I feel like my daughter would loose part of her mother for a year if I tried to do a transfer and was put on bed rest again. So for me, I realized that our family was complete. And with that realization came so much relief and peace. We got off the island with the most lovely, happy little girl and I'm so grateful to be her mama. I think she will be fine as an only child. She has her cousins nearby and a lot of love around her. The decision how/if to have another child is a difficult one. I wish you the best with deciding when to do your transfer. You have been such a great support for this community and your posts are so thoughtful and have helped me me work through so much of my feelings on this crazy journey.

Ruby

I too am gearing up for an FET in August and this post resonates with me completely. We already have a miracle baby (4 years, 3 rounds of IVF) and she is an utter marvel...I would absolutely love for her to have a sib and feel a pressure (from myself only!) to get a move on and do the FET so that we can potentially try other paths if not. It's interesting because before she was born I basically swore to myself that I'd be overjoyed with one and that it would be the end of the road for me and ART if we were lucky enough to conceive. And yet...here we are, barely out of the sleepless night phase and already emailing our clinic! What I hadn't banked on was wanting another child for HER...rightly or wrongly I just can't shake the feeling that she will be missing out if she is an only child. So I'm getting my head in gear, stepping up the yoga, stepping down the caffeine (ARGH) and taking a deep breath. I think I'm ready for it but you are absolutely right to trust your gut, it's your most reliable guide on these rocky seas. Wishing you so much luck with whatever you decide. X

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