It's been a while since I've done fertility stuff. I'm not at all saying I've forgotten what it's like to be chained to a calendar that's decorated with multiple doctor appointments and injection/med schedules. And I haven't forgotten the anxiety of trying to make a plan, buy a plane ticket etc etc only to have to cancel because lining isn't thick enough or I broke through the birth control-- whatever that means. But...I've had some space from it all and it has been very very much in the back of my mind. Until today. I had a call with the doctor in Seattle. I really like her and am trying to gather whatever feelings of excitement I can, but talking to her reminded me about how...messy this all is. She said that with all the issues I had during pregnancy she wanted to think more about a better implantation. She wanted to consult with my doctors out here (which I very much appreciated). I realized I should probably go see my RE since he's monitoring me. The Seattle doc won't be in the office when we were hoping to do the FET--- ugh! It's all starting again. The figuring it all out, the logistics, the fears...the shots. I've had two D & C's since Momo was born-- should I do more intense tests on my uterus to make sure all looks good? If it doesn't, what are my choices anyway? The Seattle doc actually asked if I had thought about a surrogate. We don't have $100,000 laying around so I've got to saddle up and do this thing. A surrogate? Mentally I have to believe that everything that happened during my pregnancy with Momo was a fluke. It won't happen again, and to our credit, with everything that did go wrong we are both alive and healthy. So there's that. I was thinking what I might need emotionally to gear up and really I think the only thing I can grab and count on is the idea of being totally flexible. If I've learned anything it's to do everything in my power to feel confident and to roll with the punches. I'm going to now spend the remainder of Momo's nap digging through old medical records to see what I did before her transfer. I remember taking antibiotics but not totally sure for what. I did a spreadsheet of the cost of meds from different pharmacies--that are probably outdated. It was nice to have this section of my brain empty for a while (and I say empty because really, not much has filled the IF files in my brain except obsessing of how to try and sleep more). But I've got to turn it on again. Hoping for a Thanksgiving transfer but we didn't even get that far today. To be continued.