It's been over a month since I've written and I think I've been a little nervous. The film Noah and I have been working on for YEARS, One More Shot, is finally being born! (You can pre-order it here). And while I am so excited that it will get out there and hopefully help erase some of the shame and stigma and isolation people feel, I'm also anxious, though I'm not totally sure why.
Making this film was very cathartic for us for a variety of reasons, the main one being it was something we could do when we couldn't make a baby, and it really helped us process. It's been really interesting to come full circle with the film and feels like a huge emotional release of our whole journey. It's like we aren't holding it in for ourselves anymore-- it's just out there. And having this record of it (where I am way skinnier and look waaayyyy younger) solidifies it as part of our past. That journey is complete. Now being back into trying for #2 (I've hit a few snags, surprise surprise, and will know on Friday if I can move forward with a transfer in Nov) it's kind of strange. In a way it's like aren't we over this stuff-- the doctors appointments and searching for the cheapest pharmacy for meds and wondering/waiting to see what my body is doing so we can attempt to make some plans? That's soooo 2014. And yet here we are. The film is being born and we are back in the trenches.
But the birth of this film means a lot to us and we hope it means something to others. I've been writing some blog posts for other blogs and writing from different angles, because there are so many. There is the emotional side of living on IF Island, there's what happens to relationships and friendships and marriages, there's grief and loss and joy and learning to shift perspectives on what family means. There's trying to reconcile the gap between what was expected and the reality of an assisted baby making process. There's the question of why we chose to share in the way that we did and what it means to be "infertile" (I really hate that word). I could go on and on, but this is all the meat of what is in our feature length film.
I think I've been a little quiet here lately because I've been slightly overwhelmed and crazed, but also a little reflective about all of it-- our journey to Momo, how Momo might feel seeing the film when she's older, how scary her birth was. There are little snippets of memory that float around my mind between driving to the doctor or trying to encourage Momo to pee in the potty. Sometimes it dawns on me how insane this has all been and how incredible our child is and how lucky I feel to have all of it, however exhausting. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I'm going to do my best to be a little more present here and perhaps use this space to turn these snippets of thoughts into something more coherent.
More than anything, though, I have to say thank you to everyone who has ever read this blog, emailed me, commented, or been impacted by parts of our story. The support I found here and what I learned about others heartbreaking journeys really helped me believe in our film and feel confident in its purpose. Because our story is the same story of millions of people who feel totally alone in their experience. And that's not ok. I hope this helps people feel less alone.
Though some tears will be shed while watching, there is also a lot of hope. We hope this movie helps to validate the experience of infertility and normalize the different ways people can make a baby. Pre-sales started earlier this week and we are donating part of those sales to the BabyQuest Foundation. We were lucky enough to be grant recipients in 2012 and are forever grateful to be part of the BQ family.
Please help us spread the word! And don't judge me for wearing the exact same yoga pants and grey sweatshirt for three solid years.
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