It's with a very heavy heart that I write this but it looks like my journey is officially over. Beta went down to 8.
And I knew it yesterday. I tested my pee and saw just one line and felt the light go out. And immediately I felt like I had failed. That I failed Momo in bringing her sibling to life. That I failed my family in some way. That I failed the doctor in Seattle who is literally the nicest person on earth. That I failed Noah, again. And I knew that I just needed to go through my process for a hot minute before I could think more rationally. The brain tries so hard to make sense of things and when something doesn't go the way we think or hope, we try to force an answer. What did I do wrong? Then sometimes we move to regrets-- why didn't I wait to transfer until I was less tired? Why didn't Noah and I try naturally for the last few years? Why did I just assume this embryo was a sure thing and meant to be, or whatever I thought? How else can I kick myself? I'm not sure why so many of us go to this place but I know a lot of us do. And then we need to be brought back to the truth.
The truth is I did the best I could and can never be accused of not trying with all my heart. The truth is none of the stuff that happens on IF Island is about deserving or logic or fairness. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don't. Sometimes PGD tested embryos don't take and sometimes fragmented grade F embryos turn into healthy babies. The science is amazing but it's far from perfect and all each one of us can do is the best we can and do everything that feels right to us in a given moment. One of the hardest things for me is that this last shot felt so right. I'm almost shocked. As I sat in my RE's office sobbing (he was out of town but the nurses are great and we had a nice little pow wow), I thought about how I've shed more tears in his office than I did in my college dorm freshman year. I thought about the last 8 years of my life and how much energy has been spent trying to will babies into the world and mend a shattered heart. I thought about how tired I am of longing.
I always felt that whatever happened this would be it. But last night I found myself thinking about whether we would get an egg donor or how we can try naturally without going through the mindfuck that is ovulation test strips and period despair. The crappy thing about getting pregnant naturally last year, even though it was short-lived, is now there's voice in my head telling me that maybe it's possible again. And Noah looked at me and just said no. He's done chasing hope. And I am too. We've chased for so long it's time for us to just be. To be fully present in the family we are lucky enough to have and not distracted by what could have been or should have been.
And this week will be about revising the idea of what I thought our family would look like. It will be taking the space to feel all the feelings and then come back to what I have. A healthy beautiful daughter who told me this morning she was going to poop on my head.
We never know what the next day might bring and we never know how things will turn out. Sometimes I believe things are meant to be but most of the time I believe that much of life is out of our control and we have to do our best with what we are given and then try to make sense of things as they happen. And when things don't make sense we can shift focus to something that does. The love I feel for Momo is so pure and if it's the only thing that makes sense to me in this moment then so be it.
I thank everyone so much for all the love and support over the years. I'm so proud that through our film Noah and I can be somewhat of a voice for millions of people who often live these painful moments alone and in silence. I hope we can be a part of a cultural shift about infertilty where there isn't so much shame.
Sending so much love as always.