We have about two weeks before we go in to see if the last two plus months with Gilli have paid off. We are hoping for more than 6 follicles. We are hoping for good quality eggs. We are hoping Dr. N doesn’t have more bad news, more frowny faces.
The anticipation has brought up all these other feelings and questions and worries. If I have the exact same number of follicles, I feel like I’m going to be upet. I’ve been drinking dirt tea and meditating and doing yoga and watching my diet like crazy for three months! I’m anticipating feeling defeated before we even go in there. And I’ve taken to reading about low responders again, and I anticipate being upset by having to sign a waiver that I acknowledge that I’m a low responder and the injections may not even work for me.
The only antidote is to stay present. In this moment I am not injecting myself in the stomach. In this moment, no doctor is telling me I need to move on to another option. In this moment I am not defeated. That’s not to say I’m never going to be, but all I have is right now. Somehow reminding myself I could be hit by a bus and die tomorrow is helpful. You know you’re in a crap place when that is a helpful thought.
One helpful thing I’ve been able to do to cope is just let myself feel whatever it is I feel. Not fight against it, or tell myself I “shouldn’t” be angry or “there’s nothing I can do.” I just acknowledge when I’m having a harder moment. I tell Noah when I’m feeling emotional. I go with whatever I’m feeling and I don’t try to pretend it’s something that it’s not. That wouldn’t be genuine. I still try to make myself feel better and I still try to stay active or treat myself to things, but I do it with the intention of taking care of myself, not with the intention of making the bad feelings go away. Because in a way, they’re always there. Sad feelings have kind of become my baseline, so it’s just a matter of trying to make them less strong.
There is not way I’m not going to be anxious about what lies ahead. There’s no way I’m going to be happy or excited. But there is a way to go with the flow and keep myself busy and appreciate the present moment. It’s just a constant challenge.
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