I found a clip of me talking about not being able to plan ahead and how the best I can do is go with whatever is. It was shot right when we started our first IVF cycle, and we know how that ended. But it reminded me that in the storm of crazy, there can be moments of calm. As I continue to wait to see if IUI #2 worked, I find myself trying to plan what we will do if it doesn't work and thinking about how I may feel or act if it does. I've practiced in my head how I'll tell Noah, because he's still out of town, and what I will write here if..when...
Seeing this zen version of myself (even if it only lasted a split second) reminded me that all I can be ever, in life, is present with what is. In this moment I've had my blood drawn to detect any pregnancy hormone. I'm a little hungry and my hair is wet and dripping down my back, making my shirt feel cold. No matter how hard I pray, how tightly I cross my fingers, how much I feel we deserve this, I know whatever will be will be. And again, we'll have to make the best choices we can with what we have left.
That doesn't mean I can't feel sad and disappointed if it doesn't work, or that I can't feel relieved and cautiously excited if it does. I have to honor how I feel in the present moment, and then either celebrate with a delicious piece of cake, or pick myself off the floor, wipe my tears and eat that cake anyway.
I wish you so much luck Felicia!!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | October 10, 2014 at 11:21 AM
I'm so glad I found your blog! Your journey has been long and hard and so has mine. I'm currently waiting to find out if my IUI #1 worked. I'm thinking it didn't but won't know for a few days. These feelings of hopelessness can be so overwhelming and it just doesn't seem fair. I wish you the best of luck!
Posted by: Felicia | October 07, 2014 at 07:01 PM
My hope is that next year you are getting to celebrate Mother's Day. I hope you enjoy something sweet today and get to enjoy today with your Mom.
Posted by: Jen | May 12, 2013 at 06:35 AM
Thanks Jen. As you can see, IUI #2 was a no go. It sucks. All of this sucks, there's no way around it. But deep down I know there is some life lesson in all this, and that some day I will have a baby. It's just not going to be cheap, fun, or easy.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | May 11, 2013 at 11:06 AM
I keep checking back for your next post. Hoping that your second IUI worked. Also THANK YOU! Thank you for putting yourself out there like this. I have learned alot from your stories. You are able to explain how I feel but in a much more clever way.
Posted by: Jen | May 11, 2013 at 06:37 AM