The Sweet Taste of Disappointment. The Saga Continues....apparently

Good thing mint chocolate chip gelato is just as delicious even when I have a bitter taste in my mouth. 

I found out the blood test was negative, and  once again it feels like we are back to square one. I went and bought a $6 pint of gelato and sobbed. I allowed myself five minutes to be really angry. To think about all that we have gone through. All the shots and the hormones and procedures. The years of waiting and wondering and hoping.  The time spent at doctor's offices and driving through LA traffic to get to said offices. The heartache. The mental and emotional energy spent thinking and wondering and discussing and Googling. The way my life has been on hold. The way my body looks like a manatee. The money. The thousands and thousands of dollars already spent.  The isolation from friends and feeling so misunderstood, always. Ok.  Maybe it took more than five minutes. But I gave myself some time to once again grieve.

Then I spent another five minutes (or so) worrying about what comes next. What if my sister doesn't have enough good eggs? What if something bad happens to her when she donates? What if we do the entire process and I miscarry? What if nothing works? How are we even going to afford this?

Yeah. These are all possibilities and realities. And that's where we're at.

Once my sobbing came to a minimal little whine, I took a big bite of gelato. I let the cool, sweet mint fill my senses and took a few deep breaths. Warm, salty tears rolled down my cheeks in slow motion. I called Noah, who is still out of town. He knows now not to just tell me everything is going to be ok, but to sit with the sadness of it for a while before saying something positive.

"We're gonna figure it out," he said. "You're the toughest gal I know.  I love you."

And so we move on.

Comments

[Courtney]

Absolutely! Sometimes it just feels good to have someone there to say THIS JUST STINKS!!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for the support, anyone on this ride needs it. Eventually something will happen, I guess. It's just starting to feel ridiculous!

[Court]

I have been following your blog & hoping that this procedure would have worked for you. I hate to say, I know all those feelings you described all too well! Infertility just plain sucks!! I am so very sorry.

[Gladys]

You are also the toughest gal that I know. I'm sorry that you have to deal with another disappointment, I can't wait for the day you reach the end of this long tunnel.