I feel like I've been doing a good job just being present and feeling hopeful. I'm not really the optimistic type by nature, and going through IVF failure has definitely darkened my lens. So happily puttering around the house (yes, I haven't left the house since Thursday), imagining my embryos sticking to my uterus like barnacles has been good. Barnacles or those old school Garfield dolls that people used to stick to their car windows in the 90's, all wide-eyed and grabbing on for dear life. That's how I'm picturing them.
But yesterday afternoon I got thrown down a rabbit hole. I found out a person I know is pregnant with twins, and while there are a million reasons why that could be upsetting to me, the first thing I thought was, "If she's getting twins, there is no way I'm also going to get twins." As if there is a baby farm and every time someone else has a baby or gets pregnant it means it won't happen for me. I wish I could think the opposite. I wish I could see that a miracle happened for her so that means it's possible, but I don't. Not right now at least. This one thought spun me down a serious path of doubt and negativity that started with the thought that not more than one person in a given social circle could have twins and ended with being afraid that this silly cashmere belly warmer that my mom insists I wear has actually made my tummy too hot and thus boiled my babies. It's crazy town. I worked myself up into such a tizzy that I was then convinced my embryos wouldn't survive because I was so upset, so I tried to cry in a semi-psychotic looking "calm" way that turned into a pathetic moan and tears just streaming down my face.
When Noah got home he did what he knows best. He hugged me and turned on th Giants game. We watched as they blew opportunity after opportunity and turned it off in the 5th inning.
"I want to make a list of reasons why we should stay positive," I said. Noah looked at me like I was insane. In his mind you stay positive because that's just what you do. He is hopeful, end of story. His brain doesn't work up endless scenarios of why things should or shouldn't work, but mine does, so we made a list.
One thing I've learned through this process is that there really is no reason for things. I don't believe things happen for a reason, but only that things happen and that we make meaning or find life lessons in them in order to grow. I also don't believe this process has anything to do with being deserving or being so exhausted that the next thing "has" to work. It's all kind of random. Poor embryos can make great babies. Retrieving one egg can result in success when all the percentages are stacked against you. And sometimes it just doesn't work. I do believe we will have a family, and constantly go back to my motto that babies exist and we can get one.
But this time around we also had some statistically better things on our side, like the age of my sister's eggs, and the fact that I didn't have all the stimulation medication in my body. We made a list of 15 things, some science based others that say things like, "We have people of all different faiths praying for us, so that covers our bases." And, "Gilli is helping and Gilli is magic." Maybe we're grasping at straws a bit, but it made me feel better.
I keep reading over the list, reminding myself what will be will be. The best I can do is eat well, sleep well, and hang on to hope, even though sometimes it takes me on a wild ride.
OMG. I have the total irrational thoughts too! I used to think 'Well, my best friend struggled w/infertility, so that means I won't have any trouble by default.' Clearly irrational since 3 years later I'm here! Also had the twins thought. And honestly never admitted it out loud b/c it even sounds ridiculous! And the religious thoughts. I've resorted to telling complete strangers about our upcoming IVF cycle...b/c I figure we need all the positive thoughts that we can get. Even from strangers! Crazy where this road takes our minds. I also wish I could channel these negative thoughts & use them in reverse! Tons of irrational POSITIVE thoughts is what I need!
Posted by: Becky | June 16, 2014 at 10:49 AM