I don't mean that in a rock n' roll, adventurous, bad-ass kind of way. Unfortunately. I mean actually feeling on edge, because I'm on day 23 of my cycle. That means my Aunt Flow is due to come to town any day now, and that always makes me feel a little nuts.
I get my period anywhere between day 25 and day 30. The day 30's are the hardest, because there are many a day spent in obsessive wondering if maybe I am pregnant. The few days leading up to my period I turn into a total lunatic. I think maybe some miracle happened. Maybe this is it. I plead I pray I bargain I cross my fingers and toes. I convince myself my boobs look bigger and allow my belly to pouch out so I look three months pregnant. I think I have cravings for things like ice cream. I google "early signs of pregnancy" and ignore that fact that any "symptom" I may be feeling could be
a) a symptom of being human. Everyone (or almost everyone) craves ice cream
b) a symptom of hormonal changes to come with Aunt Flow
c) a symptom of wishful thinking/hypochondria
Fine. I get it. But a girl can dream. I've stopped beating myself up over the fact that I do this every month. I used to feel really embarrassed and like a total loser when I'd wake up with the arrival of Aunt Flow, seeing that I have indeed, been wrong, again.
The other night as I was being obsessive and asking Noah if he thinks maybe Junior Mint is growing in my belly this month, I stopped myself.
"Forget it. I'm an idiot. I'm always an idiot," I said.
"You're not an idiot for hoping," he replied.
True. But being hyper aware of everything happening in my body isn't really helping anything. I'm not jinxing anything by being hopeful, and I'm not helping anything by crossing my fingers and toes. It just makes me look like a freak. So instead I try to stay totally focused on other things. If my mind starts to get crazy, running "what if" laps around my skull, I bring it back to the present moment. The feeling of my wet hair on my shoulder. The sound of the wind rustling through the bamboo outside. And of course, the taste of delicious mint chip ice cream, because after all, I'm only human!
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