We're going to be ok

This week I decided we are going to be ok.  And it is a decision. There's a definite mental aspect to this infertility game and that's why I had to just decide we are going to be ok. But in order to be ok I have to do several things:

1) Surround myself with people and activities that make me feel ok. For example: friends I love who get me, YES! Baby Showers, NO!

2) Wake up every morning and count five things I'm so appreciative of, including my incredible Hubs and my Vitamix.

3) Eat well. Exercise/do yoga/go for walks on the beach/do fun things/continue to live my life.

4) Be open to weird healing experiences.

Both the reiki and the shaman I met with helped me feel better. I can't say why or how, but I know that the years of running circles around myself at the doctors office made me feel  like I was drowning in some vat of medical insanity. Being touched by people with special healing powers has helped me feel like everything is going to be ok, and helped me find faith in my body again. I'm starting to believe that even though I've been told that I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve and that I should get donor eggs, I think my body can work. Maybe not today, or next month, but at some point it may. And I want to be open to that and believe in that. And if it can't work then I will be open to other possibilities. 

Today I had a pretty interesting healing experience. My friend Ter Bear (who is very much a YES friend) took me to see her "energy guy." She couldn't describe what he did or what it was exactly but she said the words crystals and energy and zap in the same sentence, so of course I was sold. We went to see this guy in a small, open office in Santa Monica. He has created this...thing called the Lifestream Generator that delivers radiant energy to re-balance the body's energy, or something. Basically there is a light beam looking tower with a crystal on the top and he touched the light beam and then touched me and I felt all kinds of zaps and buzzes through my whole body. It was a different experience, and definitely a healing one. I can honestly say that when I woke up this morning I did not think I was going to have a strange man zap me with his crystal power, but I'm glad I did.  

5) Start to develop a game plan. Tonight Noah and I are going to "story board" some options for our next move. We are going to have a family, that is not the question. The question is how. We've learned that there are many paths that lead to parenthood, and tonight we will carve a few more and then see where the road leads us. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Rita! It's a very isolating experience and we will be OK. I think we have to do like Dina and treat ourselves as much as possible. Be kind to ourselves. Take a spa day or a day off work or eat something delicious. Unfortunately many of my treat myself moments involve actual treats which isn't helping the post IVF belly situation, but who cares. Finding things that make us happy are soooo important. For so long I thought a baby was the only thing that could make me happy. But when I expanded my roster of things that help me smile I felt so much more balanced and at peace. A baby doesn't want to come to a woman seething with anger and jealous and sadness. So I vowed to let that woman come for a visit every now and then, because that's being honest to myself, but then gently showing her the door. Sometimes I have to slam it in her face, other times a big bowl of mint chip ice cream or a massage will do. Take care of yourself ladies! You deserve it. We are fighters and though this world makes no sense at all one day we will be out of it and we will get to be survivors who think about infertility in the past tense. One day. Sending love. m

[Rita]

I just came across your blog and wanted to let you know you make me feel less alone. I've had a number of similar experiences in the world of IVF and babymaking. Thanks for the reminder that we will be OK. Sometimes it is hard to remember that and the anger, frustration, and sadness completely take over. Best of luck with your journey. I am rooting for you guys!

[Dina]

I'm also planning things to do which have nothing to do with babymaking. My sister and I are going to go to a spa one saturday in october and just relax. I need those things to survive. A few hours with just focus on me.

I'm hoping to find other things that will make me happy.