Good Egg Hunting

It's funny how differently I see people now, especially women. I no longer pay much attention to what a gal is doing or saying, her clothes or her shoes (I feel like shoes kind of say a lot about a person). I just focus on whether this person would make a good baby with my husband. Sounds totally perverse, right? 

At yoga class, I think, ohhhh, she seems healthy and has great skin, I wonder how old she is? At the market, hmmmmm, she's got a great smile and looks around 20, she'd make a great baby with Noah. It's crazy! I never thought I'd be standing in line waiting to pay for blueberries and checking out women who would make good babies with my husband! Never say never right?!

It's a strange thing when nothing seems strange anymore. I was thinking about all the different levels of letting go that has to happen before a person can laugh at their situation. There is NOTHING funny about infertility, but there are times when finding some humor can really help. And the ability to let go is absolutely imperative.

I've had to let go of conceiving naturally, of thinking my family would happen at a certain time in a certain way. I've had to let go of what that family may end up looking like, and I've had to let go of my own biology. I've been trying to let go of the past experiences, of the anger and sadness and losses. I've been working on letting go of the sound of my doctor's voice saying the word "unfortunately," and the sound of my own hysterical tears. I've had to let go of ideas of what could have been and what should have been. I have to still let go of feeling like no matter what happens now I'm somehow "behind" the developmental milestones of all my friends. I've had to let go of the money spent and the current limitations of our financial situation. I've had to let go of thinking I have any control over this. I've had to let go of the unfairness of living on IF Island for so long. 

When I'm able to let go and free myself of the past disappointments and the present expectations, I can really be open. I can be more open to the idea that we will have a baby, it may just look nothing like either one of us. I can be open to the additional people who may come into our lives as a result of a baby that doesn't start out with pieces of our DNA. I can be more open to the time it may take. I can be open to the idea that a family is a group of people who love each other, and a baby is a little miraculous person with tiny fingers and toes. 

I'm not saying I'm open all the time, nor am I claiming to have totally let go of all my...stuff. But the more I can try to open my heart and my mind to my story unfolding, the better I feel. I can then look at our options with an open mind so we can figure out the next game plan without panic or anger. 

Wishing all those with heavy hearts and minds some peace and love and openess this weekend. 

Comments

[Cetrotide Price]

I loves to read you blog and make me aware about day to day progress report..Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Sylvia! Thanks for reading along. Sorry you're the last gal standing, I totally get it. Men at my office started having babies in the time I've been trying. I'm literally the last gal! Sorry things haven't been working out for you, I TOTALLY get that too. Hopefully the new year brings new luck for both of us. I was put on 8 vials of menopur at one time on my journey and understand the fears of upping the meds. I lived through it, but then again my body kind of doesn't care about meds. Good luck!

[Sylvia]

Sorry, I just realize your name is Maya, not Jen. But hi to Jen too! :) it's so great to connect with other women going through similar situations. I have a few friends that were in our situation, but they are all now busy moms and I'm now the " last women" standing, and I felt pretty isolated till reading this blog, again thank you for sharing

[Sylvia]

Jen,
I have to say that reading your blog, was as if you were reading my mind. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I have been trying for 4 years, and have hit road block after road block. I also have a dx of unexplained infertility. And half way through our work up a few years back before we started iui/Ivf, I had an emergent surgery due to an ovarian cyst/torsion which resulted in a losing an ovary/Fallopian tube. I was devastated, I felt that I was already defeated before even starting on this journey, after a long recovery and more testing we have been through 3 iui, and 1 failed IVF, that turned into another iui, because I only produced 2good follicles. Now we are on a bit of a break till the new year and this time around we will start at higher dosing. Which slightly terrifies me because I felt like a crazy person before, I can't even imagine what doubling up on medications will do to me, but at this point all I can do is keep trying. So I can relate to your determination and your story.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Dani,
Thanks for following. Nice to have things in common but I do wish it was the same stroller and complaint of how expensive mommy and me classes are. Nice to know we're not alone but still...ugh. Hopefully your luck will turn around soon! Wishing you the best.

[Dani]

Hi there,

I don't remember how I came across your blog, but I'm glad I did. I'm also 33, also in Los Angeles, also been trying for a couple of years, also have a track record of failed IUIs and IVF, also got a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and now maybe, possibly, an egg problem. So while I wish what we had in common was, 33 in Los Angeles with children-- if that's not the way the cookie's gonna crumble, I thank you for sharing your stories.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Jen,
Welcome and thanks for following along. Sorry you're going through this too but know you're totally not alone. It's soooo confusing and exhausting and frustrating! Hope you find a little relief this weekend. Noah just said, "Take your sweatpants off, we're going to watch some old Italian movies." To which I replied, "ok" while shoveling these delicious chocolate peanut butter treats into my face. Sometimes you just have to get out. Sending you lots of good thoughts.

[Jen]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us each day. I recently found your blog as I face very similar challenges as you and Noah. Going through IF is such a confusing and emotionally exhausting ordeal and I have found your writing to be a source of perspective and healing. I can't thank you enough for putting your thoughts and energy out here to share.