The words we feed ourselves

Many of us on IF Island have been on some kind of "fertility diet" filled with warm foods and yams and missing everything delicious like sweets, coffee, dairy products--you get it. I'm often hyper-conscious of what foods I feed myself and yet have realized that I often pay little attention to the words I feed myself.

IF lingo is very...negative. Every time something doesn't work it's a "failure." Some women are told they have a "hostile uterus" (that's the worst one) and words like "premature, "insufficient," "blocked," and "diminished," float around like it's absolutely normal for us to refer to ourselves and our body parts in these terms. If you constantly fill your body up with crappy food, chances are you're going to feel crappy. The saying is kind of true, you are what you eat. But if you fill your mind and your emotional self up with negative terms, chances are you may start viewing your body and yourself negatively. You may start believing that your body is "dysfunctional" or "broken" or "hostile." We have to somehow shield ourselves from some of these terms and force ourselves to ingest more positive thoughts and feelings about ourselves and our body. 

Spending the last two years injecting some kind of hormone into my body has taken its toll. So has the massive amounts of treating myself to sweets after an unsuccessful procedure. I'm not gonna lie, I'm often bitingly sarcastic about my "broke down" reproductive system and joke that I may be 33 but my ovaries are 50. Lately, I've been referring to myself as a manatee and had a mini break down the other night trying to fit into "real pants" so we could go to a friend's birthday party. My "real pants" don't fit me anymore and on top of feeling broken and like a "failure" through all of our medical interventions, I also felt fat and embarrassed. 

As I tried squeezing myself into various pairs of pants I started to feel my eyes water and had to take a time out. I had to remind myself of all my body has endured and send my tummy some gratitude for being a human pin cushion and really taking one for the team these past few years. I had to convince myself to be patient and tell myself my body is just coming out of an abusive relationship. I had to take a deep breath and think about all the amazing things my body can do. I sent love and compassion to my poor thighs who just wanted to crawl back into pajamas and hide for the rest of the night. 

Our bodies are amazing. They are what we get to live in for the rest of our lives. Hopefully they will get to carry and bring life into this world, but if they don't, their arms and heart will be there to embrace and protect and give love. Our bodies allow us a vehicle to experience so much of life's beauty, so we have to forgive the ten extra pounds and take a step back. Besides, who says you can't jazz up a cute pair of solid black yoga pants on a Saturday night anyway?

I believe that the words we feed our selves and our souls are just as important as the foods we ingest. Our self-talk forms the foundation of our beliefs and we must believe that we can, and our bodies can. We must believe we are functional and beautiful, and perhaps beautifully flawed. We must cut out the negative self-talk as if it were a super caffeinated double shot espresso. Sometime our words can be even more detrimental then the dreaded caffeine! 

We must feed a loving voice and a kind mind full of compassion and positivity. This isn't easy to do, especially when we may look and feel not quite ourselves or "the way we used to." Yeah, shit happens and things change. We are still on the battlefield and sometimes things can be a little rough out there. We don't have much control over the after effect of these meds or the physical and emotional exhaustion they cause. But we do have control over what we tell ourselves. We do have the ability to be accepting and loving rather than harsh and judgmental.

Wishing you all a positive and loving internal dialogue this week. "Why yes Maya, you do deserve an extra piece of pumpkin pie...of course with whip cream because you're fabulous and your yoga pants have great elasticity!"

Comments

[Lauren]

Damn, this is beautiful. And so are you!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Ariel! I appreciate the support. I'm having a hard time seeing any light at the end of the tunnel right now but guess I have to keep moving forward to find it. I was on DHEA for a while and didn't notice much difference. My doc didn't seem too impressed with it either but maybe I should revisit. Thanks for the tip. Best to you!

[Ariel]

Hi Maya, I found your blog on LFCA and am popping by to send some support and encouragement. I like this post and especially your analogy between what we tell ourselves and the food we eat. I remember the times I used to be strict about what I ate but was so negative about everything. It's a tough and lonely journey but you'll get there. By the way, for DOR, DHEA should help (if you're not taking that already).

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Pria! And wow Cheryl! Your body can and does do amazing things! It's so unfortunate that IF treatments really rob us of feeling good in our bodies. But I'm glad you're finding ways of getting that back! Good luck to you both.

[Cheryl]

Wow, what an incredible post! I couldn't agree more. I used to be a competitive triathlete. I enjoyed the looks of amazement when friends inquired about my training or latest race results. I relished the pride in which my husband spoke of my abilities to others. My body could do things that most were not capable of doing. Then infertility hit. I stopped training for fear that it was interfering with me getting pregnant. So my body was not only no longer doing amazing things, it was downright failing me. The one thing that seemed like every woman could do, regardless of health or ability, was get pregnant. And yet it was the one thing that I couldn't do. I began to hate my body. I forgot about everything I had been capable of and solely defined myself as "broken." Just recently, after my 2nd failed IVF, I decided it was time to start appreciating my body again. And even though I still can't fully commit to training as I used to (I'm still pursuing treatment) I did sign up for a few marathons this year to give my body an opportunity to show me that it's still something special!

[Pria]

Hey Maya,
Just read your blog. I have been following your writing from the past one month. I relate to a lot of your experiences. Being on IF island does make one feel so futile and insufficient. But we must not lose hope and keep on being grateful to our bodies for being so resilient and strong. Take care Maya. I pray for you..