A different adoption option

It was so nice to be away for a few days. I think I actually had two full days where I didn't think about anything having to do with my lady parts. I also ate a lot. I mean, a LOT. We had a good life time-out. A mini mental vacay. But coming home has been a little rough. Surprise, surprise! The same issues and worries and decisions we had before we left are still here, waiting for us! Yay!

I'm torn between jumping back in and taking a step back. Noah often compares me to a NASCAR pit crew, in that I like to fix problems quickly and move forward. I feel better when we are making progress towards the goal of having a family, and really hate loitering in the unknown waters of "what's next." I like to be proactive and need a plan, and am good at checking things off my to-do list. But I'm tired. I'm really, really tired. My motivation is super low and for the first time ever I've started wondering what it would be like for us to just stop. Not stop like take a break. That to me is even more paralyzing, to sit in a holding pattern willingly. I'm talking about what if we just stopped pursuing medical treatment? What if we decided if it happens, great, if not, then we just stare at each other until we grow old enough for me to have to change Noah's diapers? OMG, I'm laugh crying.

Not having kids has never been an option for us, but the longer we are in this world, the more I begin to try and sit with the idea of it. It's so hard feeling like I don't want to give up, but I also like I don't want to do what it seems I have to do to have a family.

And there's the rub.

I think a lot of my feelings are coming from a recent meeting we had about embryo donation. It seems like embryo donation may be the next best option for us, considering we can't afford donor eggs or traditional adoption right now. We may have found a good "match" for us, but the whole thing just makes me want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

I was hoping to go to this meeting and feel excited. I was hoping to have some deep down maternal gut feeling that embryo donation was the right thing to do. But instead I just felt completely overwhelmed. I'm not at all worried about the idea of giving birth to a baby that is not biologically related to me or Noah, I'm concerned about the process. I feel terrible and selfish that I feel like this-- like our potential baby isn't worth a few more tedious procedures and shots. But it's the truth. I just don't want to go through the process of another cycle. I don't want to take meds. I don't want to go to the doctor every other day. I've done five cycles and let me tell you, it takes a toll.

The clinic wants me to get some blood redrawn, and then some procedure called a hysteroscopy, which sounds like a cousin to the glorious HSG. Cervix + Dye + X-ray = No Thanks. I would need to go on Lupron for over a month and basically be monitored in LA and then fly to this clinic in another state for the FET. What should be a $3,000 procedure will end up costing us closer to 7-8K and the whole thing just makes my head explode. The more I think about it, the more dread I feel, though at the same time, I'm becoming attached to this little embryo that could be our baby.

I have such conflicting feelings at the same time. Dread and frustration vs. hope and excitement. Is the fact that I'm feeling any dread at all a sign that we should hold off? Do I just need a moment to step back, gather all the emotional and physical strength I have in my reserve tank and push forward? I can't wrap my head around the idea of this not working. The clinic said there is about 60% chance of this working (they transfer one embryo at a time). 60% chance it will work means 40% chance it won't, and though I try not to dwell on the negative, we all know which side of the coin I'm used to landing on.

There is so much to consider when making decisions on IF Island. It's hard to think there is a right and wrong choice, it's more like going with whatever seems like the best plan. And what might be the best plan today may not be the same as tomorrow, but at some point someone has to pull the trigger on something. And then you just ride that train out until it leads you to your next adventure.

I don't know what is the right choice at this moment, but I'm glad that we seem to at least have a choice. I don't have the motivation to schedule more doctors appointments or find out if a hysteroscopy is covered by my insurance. But I don't have the patience to just sit around and do nothing.

Perhaps it's about finding a happy medium. Finding a way to go one step at a time and to be okay with being uncomfortable in no-mans land. Sometimes we need a little break. Sometimes we need to dig deep and keep moving forward. I should know by weeks end which direction we're headed.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Very true KB. If I'm not making calls and crossing things off my list I feel like I'm just sitting around, but sitting can be ok. Noah is big on the "hang on a sec" philosophy. I try, but I'm addicted to figuring this out! Whatever that means. It's crazy when I say it out loud. I think deciding to heal my heart and my body is a good plan. Thanks so much for your comments, they're always really insightful.

[KB]

No decision IS a decision. I know it feels like grey area, but it's not- it is ok to decide not to decide yet. I know with IF it's easy to feel like we are on a conveyer belt, and we must keep moving constantly forward. But you are still moving forward even by hanging on for a sec. No matter what you decide, it sounds like you are not in the right frame of mind to feel GOOD about EITHER decision. I'm just going by what you're writing- you know better than we do, of course, how you are actually feeling. But I am the same way you are- I feel better when I'm doing something. I felt the same way in April after our 4th IUI failed and it was time to start IVF. I just wasn't ready- I WANTED to be ready because I was terrified of "stopping". That's when my husband reminded me that "hanging on a sec" is not the same as "stopping". Sometimes nurturing your mind and emotions while putting the physical/concrete stuff on hold (FET or no? Donor embryo or no? Adoption or no?) is exactly what you need to move forward into a place where whatever you decide about those things will feel RIGHT. No matter what you decide, it will be the right thing for you and Noah- but taking the burden of deciding off the table for a moment is always an option. There are no rules in the land of IF because, as you know, they are meant to be broken. Maybe let your subconcious chew on what you've given it for awhile- you've given it quite a lot to think about. You've done your homework- maybe it's like what you posted before about sitting with it. But sitting with it and also taking the pressure off of making ANY decision yet. (All of this would be hard for me too, I totally get it. You are being SO strong- really.)

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Mary. Thanks for following! And you're totally right, uncertainty is the worst but what in life is really certain, right? I wish you all the best and feel free to contact me if you need anything.

[Mary]

Hang in there Maya! Being uncomfortable with uncertainty is not easy, especially when what we think we want changes several times a day! Thanks for sharing your journey (I'm residency friends with your sis - she sent your blog my way :) ) - I'm just starting mine.....