The "Right" decision vs. the Right Now Decision

Living on IF Island, I feel like I'm constantly presented with a handful of decisions, none of which I want to make or know how to make. I get a little overwhelmed sometimes trying to figure out what to order for breakfast. Should I go savory, (a yummy omelet with perfect hash browns), or sweet (french toast with berries, please), so you can imagine the paralysis of trying to decide about an adopted embryo versus saving up for a non-related egg donor vs. taking some time to try naturally. 

Decision making is really hard for many reasons. I know that decisions I've made in the past haven't resulted in the desired outcome. I know there is no guarantee to the decisions I make. I hate the choices I have and have to deal with deep seeded anger and resentment about having to make these decisions at all. I'm addicted to the hope, the chance, the promise that it only takes one good egg. I've heard so many miraculous stories, sometimes I think maybe if I just do nothing a miracle will happen for me too. But then I wonder how long I can wait, how long I can continue to live like this. Decisions are also hard sometimes because I just want out and want to do whatever seems like the easiest way to get me out of this. Decisions can be a challenge because I am still processing the insane amount of hormones that have been pumped through my body, and sometimes it feels like I'm making an emotional decision rather than a logical one. What feels right one day feels insane the next day. It's troubling.

Sometimes I find myself waiting for a sign, waiting for a gut feeling, or for someone else to tell me what I should do. But what I have come to realize is that every decision we each have to make is so very personal. It so depends on how much each one of us can handle--physically, emotionally, financially. Some people can do ten rounds of IVF. Some people can't. Some people won't. It's important to remember that the decisions we have to make are the right decision for right now. That's the best any of us can do. We can't predict, we can't regret. We just have to look at what we have left and decide what makes the most sense or what feels the most right or the least awful. 

It's terribly unfair that any of us have to make an actual decision about what we will do next to try and make a baby. The only decision many other people make for this endeavor is which bottle of wine to crack open. But we on IF Island aren't like most people. We've been through some shit. We've gotten an education in something we never imagined we'd need to learn about. (Ummmm, I always thought the word aspiration meant a strong desire to achieve something great and I NEVER knew that post menopausal nun's pee could be turned into a medication I would shoot into my belly so my follicles would grow. I didn't even know I had follicles!). And we've gotten an...opportunity (though an imposed one) to learn about ourselves, our inner strength and resilience, our love for our sig figs---whatever. We've all grown, whether we like it or not.

I know a lot of us on IF Island are sitting in or just coming out of some disappointment and heartbreak. Many of us are going to try to have a delicious holiday, and then we'll have to come back into the new year having to make some tough decisions. Sometimes we will know exactly what to do next, other times we will have to just pick something to move forward. Wishing everyone out there the confidence and strength to make some really tough decisions. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Neon Princess--the decisions are crippling but I have found you're so right. Other life decisions now seem like no big deal. We'll probably never think twice about anything else ever again but the time we get off this Island. French Toast AND Eggs I say!

[Aneonprincess.wordpress.com]

I am utterly indecisive as well. The decisions we have to make can be crippling some times. I feel like I'm going to be the most patient and yet self assured person after this journey...if it ever ends.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Mrs. H. Sorry #3 was a bust. It so hard. SO disappointing. So unfair. There is no wrong decision, I don't think. But there aren't always a lot of good choices. It sucks. I wish you the best and hope 2014 brings new luck. Ann Marie, you're not alone. Ever! We are all struggling with such similar feelings, it doesn't make the individual experience change necessarily, but feeling understood is important. I understand. We are all ready to get off the Island and I hope it happens for you soon. Wishing you both love and luck in the new year.

[Ann Marie]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on decisions. I could relate to everything you have shared, as I feel stuck right now, but am in no rush to make a decision. Do we pay $10,000 for IVF#2, or keep trying naturally? May 2014 will be 2 yrs on IF island for us. I appreciate all of your writings, and you make me realize that I am not alone on my island, and there are people out there (you especially) who give me comfort.
~Ann Marie

[Mrs. H]

We just went through our third failed IVF cycle. We had decided it was our last one when we started it. And now I am in the same boat as you wondering and changing my mind about all the choices. More IVF (so much medication), donor egg?....try, try try again naturally? Always second guessing if I might be making the wrong decision. Is there a wrong decision?

I too wish we could just open a bottle of wine and have a surprise in 9 months.