This morning Noah and I had our phone consultation with the RE about the donated embryo. I don't know why I felt so anxious about it. I don't know what I was expecting. We've had so many consultations about this stuff, one would think I'd be an old pro by now, but I'm always a little uneasy.
The doctor was great, and I feel good about the next step we're planning, but it made me think about how important it is to find the right doctor. It's not just about the doctor with the best success rate, or the one who has done the most transfers, it's about the right fit. It's about someone who can listen to you and see you as an individual, not a statistic. It's about being in an office that makes you feel cared for, and not like you're buying a used car. It's about feeling comfortable to challenge assumptions and advocate for yourself. For me, it also about a doctor who is patient enough to deal with all my questions about my "internet research" without getting frustrated when I quote "Dr. Google."
One of the hardest things is that many of the questions I have can't really be answered. Why do I have this condition of Diminished Ovarian Reserve when I'm not yet 34 years old? Could a different protocol have helped me? Will these embryos work? No one has an answer.
I remember going into the doc for one of our post IVF WTF meetings. I went in armed with a notebook full of questions and a box of tissues. Before I could even ask why our embryos fell apart or how could this end up differently in the future, the doc stopped me. He and said he knew I had lots of questions, but he may not have many answers. He tried his best. I tried my best. And then we moved on. Unanswered questions are frustrating, confusing, and unsettling, but part of the process I suppose.
I guess I wanted the doctor today to tell me things I knew she couldn't (and shouldn't). I wanted her to say these embryos would definitely work and that by this time next year I would have a baby. I wanted to have an overwhelming feeling that this was indeed the right choice for us. What I got instead was a few statistics, some explanation for her medication protocol, which is different than what I've done in the past, and a sense that she knows what she's doing and wants the best for us.
That's about all I can hope for. We will stay the course and ask as many questions as we need to. We will advocate for ourselves and make sure we are heard and understood. And we will recognize that a lot of what happens next is left up to chance or luck or the universe or the stars aligning. And we will hope we are on the winning side of the bet this time.
Thanks Katie! Welcome to the blog. I hope sharing my story is helpful to others. It's been really helpful for me.
Dani--always a catch 22, right?! Ugh :)
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 14, 2014 at 08:17 AM
I'm so sorry you have been going through all this. Infertility is such a sad, difficult struggle. My heart really goes out to you. I found your blog through Fertility Authority (I write for them, too), and I really applaud you for sharing your story and your struggles. It helps so much to know that others can relate to this kind of pain. Really hoping and praying that your the embryo donation does it for you both.
Hugs and prayers.
-Katie
Posted by: katie | February 13, 2014 at 02:45 PM
Glad it went well (as well as could be expected at least)! I wish I could find a doctor who could give me certainties. And I know I if I found that doctor, I wouldn't trust them one bit! Kind of a catch 22, I suppose.
Posted by: Dani | February 12, 2014 at 10:54 AM