Feeling Misunderstood

One of the hardest feelings, I found, living on IF Island, is the feeling of being misunderstood.  It happens all the time, every day. People say dumb things, people are insensitive, people do things they think are helpful that really aren't and they can't understand why. Can anyone relate here? It's not only, "just relax," it's a lot of things. Being misunderstood daily can make a person...defensive sometimes. It can make a person want to scream how they REALLY feel or it can make them retreat. And of course, there are a lot of other feelings in between. This inherently leads to more isolation because, well...when it feels like nobody gets you, you feel alone and more distant from that person who is probably just trying to help.

There is no "right" thing to say or do. Infertility often creates this situation where others either avoid you, feel like they're walking on eggshells, or try to say things to help that often minimize feelings. After a birth there are parties and supports. After a miscarriage? People are too often told that they can always just get pregnant again, or that "it wasn't meant to be." There may be empathy for the immediate time period after a loss, but then there's sometimes an expectation that people are just supposed to put it behind them and move on quickly. That's not possible for many people. And the loss of an unsuccessful IVF cycle is even harder for outsiders to understand. 

Sometimes I misunderstand myself. Last night was one of those times. I was upset and triggered by various things that made me feel misunderstood and got angry about it. HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT GET HOW CERTAIN THINGS ARE HURTFUL OR UNHELPFUL OR JUST PLAIN INAPPROPRIATE? Easily. If they haven't lived on IF Island, they just might not get it. I have to remind myself that people have good intentions and and mean well, it's my own experience and perception that can alter their intention. But what I was misunderstanding was that much of my own upset was about other things, too. It was the anxiety of this upcoming cycle, and the sadness of not having a genetic child that creeps back every once in a while. Though Noah and I have found acceptance (and even excited anticipation) of this adopted embryo, I can't help but sometimes just feel a little sad. 

It's really important to find ways to connect to others and to feel heard and understood. An IF Island buddy (I have a few great ones ;), a good therapist, a pet--whoever. I remind myself that no one is out to get me, and it isn't their fault they don't understand me. Everyone, including myself, is just trying their best. If I can explain my feelings and needs in a coherent way, then maybe they can be met a little better. 

Hoping all you Islanders feel understood here. The on line IF community is a great place to feel the love. 

Comments

[Ann]

Been there! Let's just say that a very highly regarded specialist physician (in another but related field) told me that my husband and I "just needed to take a vacation and relax" and that would take care of it. Oooh my! Thanks again for this blog, even if I'm writing more than a year after you are - I guarantee that people are still reading it.

[Becky]

Yes! Exactly.

[LouUK]

This blog is getting me through some of the toughest emotions I've had to face...thankyou sooooo much for your thoughts. I totally and utterly get it!!! And yes it's like you're able to provide clarity for some very fuzzy feelings. X

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks ladies! I know you all get it. And I SOOOO appreciate being got!
Have a beautiful weekend.

[Mr Thompson and Me]

I get it - oh boy do I get it! Love this post.

[Kay]

Maya, I am loving your blog. It is helping me through the upset of our infertility. I have read many of your posts and watched some of your videos and thought that you were reading my mind because those were my thoughts or feelings exactly. I will keep following as it gives me hope for you and me!