Gluing back together the pieces of a broken heart

One of my close girlfriends called me last night in tears. She had just ended her long term relationship and was feeling scared and alone and doubtful. She's one of the smartest gals I know, and has this habit (as many of us cerebral folk do) of over thinking her feelings and trying to justify or explain them. She doubts her decisions and blames herself for how she feels. She tries to make sense of things when they don't always make sense, in order to solve the problem of feeling sad. I love her, and I hate seeing her sad. Ending this particular relationship was, perhaps, long overdue, but it's still hard and sad. Even though she initiated, there is still heartbreak.

I listened to her try and think through her emotions out loud and noticed how she really was trying to talk herself into or out of certain feelings. So I stopped her and told her it was ok to just feel sad. To just sit in the sad for a while and be there. I highlighted what her brain was doing and then we sat on the phone together and I listened to her sob like I've never heard her cry from the depths of her aching heart. She just cried and cried, because sometimes that's all you can do when you've lost something that was once special. That's all you can do when there is not really much explanation as to why something doesn't work out the way you hoped and planned. Disappointment, fear, loss, guilt, anger--all these feelings happen in life. And sometimes we can't reason them away or shove them down and avoid them. 

As her crying slowed down, I told her about how after all our embryos fell apart in the dish during our first IVF cycle, I would wake up and cry, go to work, come home and cry some more. At first I tried to Google possible answers, tried to get the doctor to tell me the exact percentage that this would happen again, took whatever blood tests I could to get answers, but when there were none, I had to find a way to accept that we had worked hard towards something and came up empty. I had to accept sadness and heartbreak in it's most pure form. So for maybe six months, every few days I would lay in bed or sit somewhere and meditate on my broken heart. I visualized it, broken and cracked--a deep red. My chest hurt at times when I took a deep breath into my heart space, but I did, and I imagined taking super glue and gluing the pieces of my broken heart back together. It took time, and I can't say it's fully whole yet. Sometimes when something difficult happens, I picture getting band-aids and string and tape and just wrapping that sucker up to hold it together. But slowly I have healed.

Going through infertility has taught me how to mend a broken heart. It has taught me how to sit with my feelings and accept them for exactly what they are. It has allowed me to be kind and patient and non-judgmental with myself. And now I can pass that on to a hurting friend in a different situation. Eventually I can pass that on to my child. It's a valuable life lesson I think. Life is filled with beauty and with pain. Being totally present for all of it is the best, most truthful thing we can do.

Eventually, my friend calmed down. She started talking about her to-do list, and I laughed.  Put down "cry my eyes out for 20 minutes" I said. She sounded better. She needed to cry it out. And that's ok.

Wishing everyone out there in a rough emotional spot lots of love and strength. I hope you give yourself permission to feel however you feel. And I hope you find ways to enjoy the love and beauty in the world, too. 

Comments

[Ann]

Yes. Thank you for writing this.

[My Life As A Case Study]

Hey Maya, I'm a fan of yours! I re-posted this post on my blog because it really resonated with me and I wanted to share it. Please come and check it out on my blog: www.mylifeasacasestudy.wordpress.com

I think you're awesome.

XOXO,
MLACS

[Lindsay Monnier]

I would Love it if we could coordinate a BQ reunion with all the recipients, or whoever could come! Theres just 4 of us who are in the facebook group..the other recipients don't participate:( It would be nice if we could figure out a way for everyone to be a support to one another!

[A Few Good Eggs]

You are so right. Sometimes all there is to do is to cry and just let yourself be sad. I didn't learn that until we lost our daughter, but now I have no qualms about crying when I need to (although I try not to do it at work).

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Yes Jessica! It's funny, there are times when I stop my internal dialogue and think, "would I be friends with me?" If the answer is no, I try to change my thought and my attitude. Sometimes it actually works. We are all allowed to feel whatever we feel, even if it doesn't seem to make sense logically. Wishing you lots of love. Lindsay, Social Workers unite! I don't have Facebook (believe it or not) but I would love to connect with the BQ gang some how.

[Lindsay Monnier]

very great message! PS...I saw you are a LCSW-I am an LSW working on my Independent licensure as well. We have much in common! If you are on facebook...look me up! Lindsay McEldowney-Monnier. Also-there is a Baby Quest facebook group that we would love you to be a part of as we all try to get to know one another.

[Jessica from Sweden]

Thank you so much for those kind and truly sensible words! From now on I will try to allow myself to feel however I feel, no judgement, just try to treat myself like I would treat my best friend.