I wanted to write today as a little reminder about what goes on when you live on IF Island, so that we can all take a minute here to step back and be more forgiving and kind to ourselves. Here goes: First, you try to make a baby the old fashioned way, spending months or years testing ovulation and temperature charting and obsessing month after month. The you finally see an RE, do a bunch of tests, and get some heartbreaking news. Then you try a bunch of other stuff, IUI, IVF-- all the while trying to maintain a job, a relationship, life responsibilities, all that jazz. You end up gaining weight that sticks your ass like flies on honey, and feel gross. Then all of your friends and co-workers get pregnant and go on to have babies, while you're standing there, trying to shove said ass into a pair of jeans that used to fit. You can't do many of the things you used to because all of your money is going to your lady parts in some way, and all the while you're jacked up on some kind of hormone that manipulates your system and your mood. HOW ARE ANY OF US STILL STANDING AND NOT COMPLETELY INSANE?
Can we take a minute here to pat ourselves on the back and recognize that if we can wake up in the morning, brush our teeth and be in society without incident, we are exceeding expectations! These meds, from the gateway drug Clomid to the urine of post-menopausal nun's pee in Menopur to what's being shot into my belly every night to shut down my reproductive system, Lupron, are all serious meds with serious side effects. Many of those side effects are emotional! So we go through all this highly emotional stuff, and then we have to pump some cramp into our bodies to completely throw us off our rockers! WTF!
Clomid was one of the worst ones for me. I nearly ripped Noah's face off with my bare hands. I felt completely crazy. Since it was my first time on any medication like this, I didn't know what to expect, and even though I knew I felt...totally insane, I still didn't think it was strictly the pills. I thought it was just me. My OBGYN never told me there could be significant emotional side effects! When I did some of the other injectables, I knew that the mood swings were probably related, but there is this expectation that we just deal with it. That it's somehow normal and we all need to just keep on trucking. Well...it's not normal. It's not who we are. And it's not going to be like this forever. I knew how bad I felt on meds only after I was off for six months. I had spent YEARS on some kind of medication, in some cycle, either stimulating or shutting down my system. And I felt like complete crap physically, mentally, and emotionally. Only in retrospect can I look back and say, "Huh, I was a lil cray, back then." I had an emotional breakdown over stamps one day that...well, was an emotional breakdown over stamps.
Now that It's been about a week on Lupron, I'm starting to remember that feeling of being medicated. I slowly become a slightly different version of myself. But as an IF Island veteran, I can watch for the signs and know that this isn't the real me. This is the Lupron version of me. With that understanding I can be more patient, I can be more loving, I can treat myself well and take care of myself, and most importantly, I can warn those around me.
Sending love and wishing everyone on IF Island some patience with yourself and the process. Even when you aren't directly shooting up, the meds linger and last. When all else fails, blame it on the hormones! Stay strong!
All those meds and shots are exactly why I'm scared to go the IVF route if it comes to making that decision. I just don't know if I have the strength to handle that. Plus, I do in home daycare and just have babies right now, I don't know if my hormone induced body would be able to handle it without crying all day! I've only been on letrozole and follistim so far and luckily, I haven't really noticed any side effects. We've done 3 IUI's with no luck and are on our second clinic. They noticed a spot on my right ovary on our first mid cycle ultrasound with them and then it was still there on my 2nd mid cycle us. Dr. is pretty sure I have endometriosis (Stage 2 or 3 is what she's thinking) so I'm headed in for laparoscopy on the 6th. Praying it's our ticket off the island but also not getting my hopes up. I hope and pray this is your ticket off the island Maya and Noah! You've been through so much and I'm so thankful that I found your blog. You put it all in perspective when I can barely wrap my head around it all some days. Good Luck!! I'll be cheering you on from WI!!!
Posted by: Dawn | May 31, 2014 at 05:54 PM
Glad I'm not the only one feeling nuts! It's amazing what a little pill can do. Isn't Clomid INSANE???!!! Oh the rage! Lupron so far has been fine for me, but I am doing the injections at night which I think is really helping. Though last night Noah was a little rough with the shot and I had to fight the urge to punch him in the ear as he was pulling away with the syringe in hand. Ugh. What we go through. Much luck to you all and thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | May 31, 2014 at 11:12 AM
HAHAHA! This post came at a perfect time!! As the super high doses of meds are leaving my system after a cancelled 5th IVF cycle, I too feel like I'm totally insane! I have to constantly remind myself that this will pass and it's not really me. This is a reminder to be kinder to ourselves and this too shall pass. Hang in there everyone! We will get there!
Posted by: Laura | May 31, 2014 at 07:40 AM
Yes, yes and yes. Thank you Maya for articulating this so well - it is a minor miracle that we can continue being high-functioning, productive members of society with all of the emotional and physical turmoil we are putting ourselves through. A giant pat on the back deserved for everyone who manages to get up and keep going every day despite it all!
Posted by: Ruby | May 31, 2014 at 05:27 AM
Seriously. Clomid made me feel like I was going insane. It was HORRIBLE! I'm so happy to hear I'm not the only one! Thank you for your posts. I'm gearing up for IVF this month & it feels a tad easier knowing I'm not the only one that's going through this.
Posted by: Becky | May 30, 2014 at 07:06 PM
I love how you referred to Clomid as a gateway drug! Ha! That ish is straight poison! Of all of the things I ingested or injected, Clomid gave me the worst side effects.
Good luck on this cycle, all good things to you! I pray for you to have peace, comfort and strength. You are a warrior!
GO TEAM MAYA!!!!!!
Posted by: Heather | May 30, 2014 at 03:50 PM
Seriously! I was clomid crazy at least one day per month. Even when we were on vacation in Thailand, relaxing in our own privat pool villa! Because of my experience with Clomid, I was afraid to try the "real" injectible medications. But I have had ZERO side effects (fingers crossed) from Lupron (only 3 days), Menopur and Follistem. Thanks for the support and encouragement! Btw - update here: http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/
Down to 10 follicles (instead of the 15 I thought I had) and possible retrieval on Wednesday! :)
Posted by: Megan Swanek | May 30, 2014 at 03:19 PM
Stay strong Maya, it's got to be your turn. I am thinking of you eating your favorite Ice-Cream with a huge baby bump, and waking up to little whimpers through the night. As hard as it is jacked up on the crazy stuff, eyes on the prize lady - you got this.
Posted by: Samantha | May 30, 2014 at 12:32 PM
When I step back and think about all of the hormones, meds, chemicals, etc. involved in this process, it is pretty terrifying. It will be so nice someday to be medication free, fit, etc. again. Hang in there!
Posted by: A Few Good Eggs | May 30, 2014 at 12:18 PM