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May 20, 2014

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Dawn

I am so happy you have your parents with you for every step of this journey! My Mom is my Best Friend and she's also been through the ups and downs with me. My Sisters are always there for me and I have a handful of friends that I keep updated on what we are doing. I am beyond lucky to have them and have my Dad and quite a few other people hopefully cheering us on from Heaven. My in-laws know that we are getting treatments but don't fully understand what it is about or what we go through month after month. My SIL has actually caused more stress and drama throughout this journey than anyone else in our lives. Hubby wanted to keep quiet when we first started this journey and I am so happy that he's finally started to open up to people in our lives. It's amazing how many others have had some sort of experience with IF or miscarriages when you open up and are honest with people about what you go through. Of course, you also get all the very unhelpful comments and want to punch people, but the good usually outweighs the bad in this instance.

Don't Count Your Eggs

Oh KB, I'm sorry. Ugh. Feels like the bad news just doesn't stop. And yeah, this world ain't cheap. I'm wishing you guys the best and hoping your luck turns around soon. Lindsay, sometimes I can't believe any of us are still standing. But we are, and we do and we keep on. So determined! We should all get superhero capes or something :)

Lindsay Monnier

Thank you for the ideas Maya!! I think you are totally right....showing our appreciation with little gifts each day would make her feel we truely appreciate the gift she is trying to give us. I have shared your blog with a friend of mine who has had her fifth failed IUI....I wanted to show her how resilient us women are when we have heartache after heartache.

KB

Hi Maya- I haven't commented in awhile but keep lurking to see how you and Noah are doing, and I loved your post. Having a supportive family is SO important, and I am so happy that you have that. I am still sending supportive vibes your way! We just failed our FOURTH FET, and did a phone consult with CCRM for a second opinion. Holy expensive! Here's hoping 2014 is good to all of us :)

Don't Count Your Eggs

Hi Lindsay,
Congrats on BQ! That's really great. It can be hard when baby making becomes family business. There are a LOT of feelings. Being in the exact same situation all I can say is try to be as patient with your sis as possible. She is giving you a huge gift, and while you may not feel like you're asking that much for her to take vitamins, asking for anything else may push her limit. It's so hard to do, but she hasn't gone through all you have so she may not be able to see things from your perspective. When my sis was donating, I got her a small gift (a cute top, nice teas, books, a fancy apron, a necklace etc.) to open each day after she gave herself a shot. This excited her, a little something, and she felt appreciated. I just brought a bag of gifts that were numbered so she could open one a day. Just an idea. I felt like I was carrying the emotional load during that donor cycle, but it was just two weeks or so. It was more stressful than our individual IVF because there were more people involved. Good luck! M

Lindsay Monnier

Hi Maya-I am one of the most recent BQ recipients from Ohio. I read your article on the BQ blog and felt lead to come to your personal blog. This article had me in tears when I read your father's response. One minute my parents are very supportive of what me and my husband have been through (the stillbirth of our first daughter, 3 miscarriages, and a failed IVF with PGD cycle with no frozens). Then the next I feel like they have punched me in the gut with the things they say. We are in process of getting information for a donor egg cycle using my sister's egg who is unaffected by the translocated chromosome that me and my oldest sister have. My parents are not supportive of this and sometimes verbalize that and sometimes just keep quite about it. My sister is much like my mom-one minute super supportive and the next gets upset with me when I ask her to do simple things like start taking a prenatal vitamin. I never in a million years thought I would not be able to have a child that was genetically all mine. It is the hardest thing ive ever been through.

Don't Count Your Eggs

It's so interesting to read the different comments here. We all deal with sharing our story with those close to us in different ways, and everyone has to do what feels right for them. Lauren, you seem to have amazing In-Laws and the way they supported you and loved you through such loss is incredible. Dani, I totally agree. The word "we" is really powerful. After my first IVF fell apart, I vividly remember my dad saying, "we're going to figure this out. We're going to get you a baby." It wasn't just a tactic to get me to stop crying, it was true. He actually started trying to find us a baby to adopt! While we weren't quite there yet, the message was clear. We are a family and we are in it together. I appreciated that. R, I hope you have other supports in your life. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to keep all of your struggles from your mom. I hope something works for you guys soon so you can share some good news. And Dad, thanks for figuring out how to post! And sharing the parental perspective. We appreciate you and mom more than you'll ever know. Good luck to everyone and thanks for sharing.

Larry Grobel

My wife and I were moved by this latest blog, perhaps because as we read each of our daughter’s entries, we find out something new or we relive something we already knew. This has been a journey for all of us. For Maya, of course, it’s a journey of courage and determination and we couldn’t be more proud of her. That she made the decision early on to go public with this was, to us, a sign of strength. But it’s also been painful for those who know and love her. As her parents, we want only what is best for her. I know she feels that we want grandkids and that she feels guilty that she hasn’t been able (yet) to provide that, but that’s not really what we want. What we want is for her to be happy. If that means by having a child then we support her and want it too. But if she decided that it was OK to go through life without having a child, we would be just as supportive. I’ve found that my moods often reflect Maya’s. When she’s “up”, so am I. When she’s down, I too go into a funk. I was very glad when Maya and Noah decided to document what they’ve been going through because it’s been a positive, creative outlet for them. I’ve laughed at how she portrays us and, yes, cried when the results haven’t been positive. My tears though are because my heart aches for her and for Noah. Her mother and I know what a great mother she will be, and how frustrating it is to have to wait so long to make it happen. But they’re two strong people whose love has deepened through all this and in the end, when you have each other, you have what’s good in the world. We’re proud of you two. We love you absolutely. And we will always be there for you.

Dani

What a wonderful post and great comments. We told my in-laws, mostly because we needed help after our first few rounds of treatments failed. It was a hard conversation for me (well, really my husband did all the talking while I mostly cried) but now I'm generally glad it's out in the open. After IVF #1 failed, my mother-in-law told me not to worry -- that's we'd figure it out. That "we" was so meaningful to me because it made me feel like my husband and I weren't in this alone -- she was going to be there by our side, however long it took to see this through and make it work for us. And I'm really grateful for that.

R

PS - I'm so envious that you have such amazing support from your parents!! I know my parents would be the same way, if they only knew...

R

Your post really struck a chord with me! My parents or in-laws have no idea what we're going through/have gone through. At first, we were naive enough to think that the first IVF would work and we could just tell them with good news. As time has gone on (3 IVFs, 2 FETs), we still haven't told them because we know it will hurt them so much, especially because there's not anything they can do to "help." But on the flip side, I find that I've had to distance myself from my mom (who I'm super close to) because I hate all of the lies! I'm so torn, but we've made the call that it's better to protect them than drag them down this path with us. I am praying and hoping that when I do tell my mom one day, she will forgive me and hopefully understand!

Lauren

The last paragraph makes me wnt to cry YES! I live with my in-laws and just yesterday, FIL and I were talking. He said, "Boy, I know more about your pregnancy than I did [wife's] three!" He's also said he knows more about reproduction than he ever did...

My parents-in-law have witnessed my miscarriage. Me, writhing in agony every evening for 8 long days, followed by a long period of dark grief. Then my shocking (because so unexpected) diagnosis of my infertility caused by my genetic disorder when I hit rock bottom. FIL was in the next room when I got the news. He heard the screams that I couldn't stop until I had worn myself out. My PILs were there when we decided to pursue egg donation and have been our staunch supporters throughout all of this. My MIL has said, on numerous occasions, "No one know what you and [DH] have been through except the four of us."

I know that this experience has brought us all so much closer. And when this baby is born (hopefully sometime in November) we will look at him or her with all the more love. I'm convinced of it. The baby will be the glue that binds this chapter in our lives. I think it's almost been worthwhile. I hope when he/she is born I will say "of course it was." Or maybe we won't even think about it because love melts all the pain away.

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