Did the clinic really just cancel my cycle?

Yup. Indeed they did. So I rarely post twice in one day but...THEY CANCELLED MY FRIGGIN' CYCLE! Lupron, you failed me, sister! I'm so frustrated. The nurse called, because, apparently the doctor can't talk to me until June 13! No joke. J.U.N.E  13th! And the nurse told me to stop taking Lupron. OK. And start doing what? We've been mentally, emotionally and physically preparing for this embryo donation for MONTHS and...well...cancelled. I got off the phone with the nurse and called a friend, a fellow Islander, and cried until I was laughing. How could I not think this was a possibility? How could I, a seasoned veteran on the Island, one of the Island elders, be caught off guard? How could I have been thrown a curve ball? We should have bought flight insurance.

It's so disappointing. I just can't catch a break. I don't like to feel sorry for myself, but right now I do. I feel like I walked outside to admire a beautiful sunset and bird just crapped in my forehead. I won't dwell in the pity party, because what's the point. Of course I have already started writing my own protocol (because I'm not doing this madness again) and I've been trying to figure out how far back this will set us. What does it matter anyway, I suppose. Time lines and calendars and trying to have a life were thrown out the window a while ago. So I have to let it go. I can't think about the wasted time or the amount of useless medication I've injected into my body that may cause who knows what. I can't read into this in a superstitious way--is this embryo not meant to be? NO! That's not it. It just...is what it is. 

These kinds of things happen on IF Island. You get all geared up for something, a procedure, a pregnancy...and then the rug gets pulled out from under you. And then, well, you stand there on the cold floor, bare footed and crying, until you decide how to take your next step. 

So I will pitch my protocol for a more natural cycle to whatever doctor will listen to me, and we will cancel our flight and wait to talk to the doc on the 13th. One day, I don't know when, but one day, this will all be a distant memory. Noah and I will be reminiscing about trying to prepare for this frozen embryo and I'll say, "Remember, we were cancelled? I did the meds and it didn't even work? That doctor wouldn't even talk to me for two weeks?" and he'll say, "No, did that happen? I thought we just did the transfer." And then we'll argue a bit and he'll tuck our toddler in to bed and I'll go feed the baby, and it will all be behind us. If only. 

Comments

[Heather]

I remember how heartbreaking it was to have a cycle cancelled--it's not just the heartbreak either, it's the $2-3,000 you've just injected into yourself for nothing, it's the raging hormones, it's the WAITING...

All good things to you.

[Tami]

I can't even believe what I am reading here. Heartbreaking! I was only on IF island for 2 years and it was hell. I can't even imagine... My love to you and Noah... Your baby is somewhere, trying to get through. I know it.

[Me Thompson and Me]

I get it. I've been doing this for almost 8 years and the rug has been pulled out more times than I can count. I hate it but I love your perspective (again)!

I understand the canceled cycle...but I honestly don't get the fact that the doctor can't call for two weeks. Did they say why? My doctor has called me at 9pm sometimes because that is when he finally has his 5 minutes. When he was out of the country - he had another doctor call me and the called immediately upon his return.

2 weeks is a long time to leave you hanging in limbo. I'm sorry that you have to go through it.

Hugs!

[Mel]

Oh no Maya, I'm so sorry to hear this :-(
Thinking of you and Noah xo

[WBC]

UGH. I'm so sorry :(

[KB]

OMG I want to punch something for you. I was totally nodding my head when you wrote about being surprised by this outcome "after everything else" because I feel the same way- time after time I beat the odds IN THE WRONG DIRECTION, and yet each time I'm hopeful that THIS is the time things will be different. Do NOT lose hope. It is like dating- all it takes is one handsome, suave cycle to be the cycle that changes your life, and all of this will settle in to be a part of your story and not a part of your day to day.
P.S. I don't know if you're at the clinic I go to, but if you are, change doctors- they will let you. No doctor should be unreachable for two weeks. At least see if they'll let you email- that's what I always end up doing.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the love everyone. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this feeling of disappointment. I keep thinking at that least our embryo is still there, it's just figuring out when and how we can go get it. The saga continues...

[LouUK]

Jeez....that really is crap. And you have very right to feel sorry for yourself. Sorry xx

[Ruby]

Absolutely awful, disappointing, frustrating news. I am so sorry. I think you are being heroic in all of this, and I have confidence that when the pain eases up a bit you will come back fighting. Everything is crossed for a giant bucket of luck to come winging its way in your direction very soon.

[R]

I'm so sorry! Big hug to you. It's so frustrating to cancel but seems like the right decision to postpone until everything is optimal. This will all definitely be a distant memory one day!! Love the positive outlook.

Also, for your next FET protocol, there is also a medicated option only using estrogen patches/pills.

[Lauren]

Speechless. I just want you to get a long overdue break!!

[A Few Good Eggs]

I am so sorry to read this update. So, so frustrating and you have every right to be incredibly disappointed and to feel sorry for yourself. Good for you for writing your own protocol. Why not? At some point in the midst of all of this, you become an expert. Hang in there.

[phaira]

So sorry to hear this news Maya. Thinking of you both xo

[Courtney]

Ugh!!!! Sucks! I am so sorry.

[Laura]

I'm so sorry to hear about your cancelled cycle. My last cycle was cancelled too and it has made us more determined to see this process through. This will be a distant memory for you and Noah. Take care!

[Lindsay Monnier]

I don't know that I even have the words to express my sorrow for you and all that you have been through. I want to scream for you and cry with you.

[Hallie]

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure who you are going through in Seattle but I recommend Overlake Reproductive Health. Much different and better customer care at Overlake than at one of the other places in Seattle.

I really hope for the best and I'm hoping with you.

[Aneonprincess.wordpress.com]

Wow. this really sucks. sorry xo