Hubs here. I’ve been asked to write something. This is what I wrote:
This week has been … challenging. It’s been frustrating. It’s been difficult. Actually, the term FUBAR comes to mind. They say God never gives you more than you can handle. Maybe God has a higher opinion of my character than He should. In a week that began promisingly enough - Maya’s increasing beta score showed that Momo did indeed exist - we have since faced a burglary of our home, an unyielding fear that every cramp or sign of blood would mean the end of Maya’s brief PUPO (I just learned what that means), my first look at Momo, and a midnight “Is this the end?” panic. Also, the Giants have been playing horribly and work is getting stressful. So yeah, it’s been tough.
Last night, must have been close to 12:30, I awoke with a shot. Maya was in the bathroom. “I’m bleeding!” This didn’t sound like the last couple times she’d reported blood. This was panic and pain and fear. Saving you a more descriptive explanation, there was blood. And it could have been a blood clot. Or it could have been the beginning of the end of our quest for Momo. I still don’t know. Minutes later, I was sat up in bed, exhausted and wide awake, holding a crying wife who was looking for reassurance and Google answers. And the day had started in such a promising way.
Saturday morning we had gone to the doctor for another beta blood test. Our RE, his schedule jammed up with multiple procedures, took the time to clear a room for us and do an ultrasound on Maya. My first live look at Momo. And there it was. He was? She was?! Bigger than the last time. A gestational sac and yolk and pole. All these words that make sense but all I could see was what looked like a pulsing UFO on a black and white television. And I saw hope and promise and a chance. And I believed. So it was a rather helpless feeling, sixteen hours later, when Maya asked me, “Is that Momo in the toilet?”
I believe Momo is still in there. I’m not a doctor though. I just hold out hope and believe that with all of the horrible misses and losses and frustrations we’ve gone through in this that at some point, some how, our luck will change. I have to hold on to something and I choose to hold on to hope. In reality, we’re helpless. I’m helpless. And that - in all of these feelings - is one of the worst. I can’t help my wife. I can’t give her an answer. I can’t do anything more than try to calm her nerves and keep her thinking in a positive way. To the husbands and wives and partners that may be reading this, that’s what you have to do for her. Be positive. Even when it’s a helpless situation, you be positive. Believe your chances can change. Believe the coin will land on heads, the roulette ball will find your number. Believe. After all, helpless doesn’t mean hopeless.
Your are so amazing Noah! No way my hubs could even come close to your resilience. The day will come soon, when you and Maya can EXHALE for once and enjoy raising your little one.
Posted by: Tami | August 04, 2014 at 01:17 PM
Just praying. Love from San Francisco
Posted by: Christiana | August 04, 2014 at 11:24 AM
Unbelievable. So sorry to hear about the burglary and the bleeding. Praying that the bleeding is nothing to worry about.
Posted by: Lisa | August 04, 2014 at 10:41 AM
I'm hoping and praying for you. I know that it's so hard to be positive while also trying to protect your heart by thinking realistically. I continue to hold out hope for you two and Momo.
Posted by: Meg | August 04, 2014 at 04:24 AM
Praying for you guys.
Posted by: Jill B @ hopinghopefloats.blogspot.com | August 04, 2014 at 03:53 AM
UGH. You would think that given the enormous effort it takes for us IF islanders to get pregnant, once it happens, everything that follows should just be smooth sailing, right? If the world was in any way fair at all?? I have had my share of panicked bleeding in the last few weeks, with one night where at 2am there was enough blood I told my husband in tears that it was "the beginning of the end," COMPLETELY convinced that it really was. But amazingly it wasn't, and we lived to fight another day. I was also given the "sometimes women just bleed" explanation, after an ultrasound with a very oblong looking gestational sac, by the way. No mention that that could be bad news from my RE. I guess what I'm try to say is that there is never a guarantee, for me, for you, for anyone. And that really sucks. But I understand what you guys are going through and I am hoping for the best for you.
Posted by: WBC | August 03, 2014 at 11:30 PM
I am thinking of you guys constantly. Yes hold on to hope and those of us reading will also continue to do so. We will not lose hope and remain positive, no matter what the outcome is. You and Maya are the strongest people I know and Momo is already a fighter. Love you guys xo
Posted by: Gladys | August 03, 2014 at 09:24 PM