Being P after ART

I woke up this morning thinking about the differences between being P and being P after Assisted Reproductive Technologies. Now, I've never just been P, so I don't really have a fair perspective of what it would be like to have a natural pregnancy in a reasonable time frame. Comprehension of what that might be like is out of my wheelhouse, and I don't want to assume an easy conception and pregnancy is all rainbows and unicorns. I assume it comes with its own anxieties and concerns as life transitions and changes in the body that are unknown often cause a variety of feelings. But what I can speak to, or write about, is the added challenges that many IF Islanders may face when we finally get P after years of ART.

For some Islanders I've talked to, there is sometimes an initial ambivalence, or even denial of getting that BFP. While part of your brain wants to jump up and down with excitement, the other part is cautious and terrified. Many people have gotten a BFP only to have it swept out from under them. Until those people get past the time of their previous loss or losses, it's hard for them to acknowledge that the P is really happening. I never felt denial, though my slow rising betas and the hematoma made my initial BFP feel more like a Little Skinny P. 

Being P after ART means the usual anxiety and trying to deal with whatever traumatic baggage you've had to bring to the Island. It means being on medications to sustain the P which can exacerbate an already hormonal situation and make the P feel that much more fragile. There is past loss and fear and often times guilt for getting that coveted ticket off the Island. Though I know I worked damn hard to get my ticket off the Island, I do feel guilty that so many others are still struggling. Survivors guilt perhaps. For many people there is also the repercussions of having third party involvement in the P. Whether having donors or a surrogate or adopting, having other people involved can be a beautiful special thing, but can also signify a loss of genetics or ability to experience being P. Having  a surrogate also means you are P after ART, but not being the one to physically carry your baby can bring up a lot of things too. Issues of control and missing out on certain opportunities are all common. 

Another thing about being P after ART is that many of us will have more complicated pregnancies. ART can often times mean multiples or just flat out complications. I really didn't think this part through. My goal was just to get something in me and I trusted that my body would figure out the rest. I figured a donated embryo would some how be a walk in the park because it was my genetics that appeared to be the problem. Yet here I am on my second round of bed rest wondering how I'm going to get through the next six months. When you've worked so hard just to get P, there is kind of a feeling like we all deserve to have a beautiful easy time. Like the hard stuff should be behind us so we can be joyful and excited.  Many of us may feel somewhat robbed of the opportunity for pure bliss and thinking about baby names. This can sometimes cause envy of people who have "normal" easy pregnancies, or even resentment. 

It's been interesting that since I've been P, many other people have come around wanting to share their P stories with me. That one time they felt nauseous or how they felt scared they didn't feel movement once and had to go in for an emergency ultrasound. It's nice that people want to share but I'm having some trouble relating. I listen and try to learn but I don't feel part of the club of people who had "typical" pregnancies. I don't really know where I belong or what I feel sometimes. 

Sometimes I do feel a little jealous of happy P people who can exercise and buy maternity clothes without being superstitious. But I remind myself that we all have a different path and that I am very lucky, bleeding and all, to be where I am. With Momo, my little fighter. I also have a strange sense of pride that I have survived all this madness.  Four years on IF Island. Letting go of genetics. And battling through a complicated early P. I am proud to be an Islander, with so many other warriors. And I know Noah and I are both better for our experience. We've learned so much and have found an inner strength and resilience that not everyone has the opportunity to have. So for that I have gratitude and appreciation for our process, our relationship, and our selves. 

I hope everyone out there on IF Island can take a moment today to appreciate where you are in your journey and appreciate your own strength and the love and support you have in your life. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Jojo and Anita-- yes. We all do or will have a different attitude and appreciation for sure. All the feelings of jealousy and frustration are really normal and does not make anyone a bad person. It makes us normal. WE just have to keep our eye on our own prize and know that our road is uniquely our own and that we are probably better for the difficult experiences we've had. Have a great weekend both of you!

[Anita]

I think nothing compares to the heartache of longing for that baby in the IF island. It all just feels so unfair...I sometimes wonder if it makes me a bad person to be jealous of happy P people, and to feel mad when those happy P and fertile people with kids rub it on your face as to how we can not comprehend how difficult it is to raise a child!
But getting online to read Momo chronicles really makes me happy and hopeful.
I send love and health your way, Maya.

[Jojo]

I know so many of us lucky enough to be P after ART can relate to this. My silver lining has been that now that I finally have my baby, I find so much joy and gratitude in the small things. I see many of my 'fertile' new moms lament or stress about small 'inconveniences' of a newborn but I just feel joy that I get to have them. It was only in those moments that I finally no longer envied the fertiles for once. IThinking about you and sending you and Momo strength and love.