Guess Who's Back on Bed Rest?

Yesterday had the potential of being the worst day of my life. Now, I've had some pretty bad days during this epic journey to parenthood that Noah and I are on. You can read all of 2012 and 2013 for a sampling. But yesterday probably takes the cake.

I went to work. I was having lunch with one of my co-workers/very best friends, Gladys, when all of a sudden I got a sharp pain in my lady parts. "My vag hole hurts!" I cried, as my girlfriend took a bite of her sandwich. We joked around a little and I went to the bathroom and when I walked back into my office I started bleeding profusely. Way worse than the hematoma I had. It was like nothing I've ever experienced. Red blood was soaking through my pants and the feeling of terror that washed over me was worse than any I've felt before. 

I shoved paper towel down my pants and had a bizarre and hectic moment with one of the support staff members at work as the fire department was being called. I had a vision of waiting for a team of uniformed men to rush up the stairs to carry me through the hallways of my office covered in blood on a stretcher and decided, no. That's not what is going to happen. I work at a hospital that has an ER around the corner. So my girlfriend and I shuffled our way to the ER where she took this lovely shot of me:

I just kept thinking that this was it. Game over. I'd never had blood gush out of me like that and I found myself repeating, "Hang in there Momo. Hang in there baby girl." I wasn't ready to lose her and kept imagining her in the last ultrasound. Dancing and looking like a little alien chicken. 

The ER experience was painful and cold, but the first thing the doctor did was an ultrasound, where we saw Momo. That pause before seeing any activity feels like forever. My breath gets trapped in my throat and water immediately fills the bottom of my eyelids. 

"There's a heartbeat...and she's moving," we're the words that allowed me to swallow. Nothing mattered in that moment. Nothing matters anymore but Momo's beating heart. Noah and I love this baby girl so much already. So do so many other people--including her Auntie Gladys who stayed with us the whole time and was an amazing support. And Momo was dancing for Gladys, without a care in the world. Either that or she was spazing out, but I like to think she's just dancing and doing her thing. 

After having a catheter put in, blood drawn, an ultrasound, an IV, and a pelvic exam, the source of the bleeding was determined to be the placenta previa that's partially covering the cervix.

As I was laying there, shivering in the ER, I wondered if this was my fault. If maybe I did too much over the weekend. I went on a long-ish walk on Tuesday, maybe it was that. There really is no point in thinking about it like this, because at the end of the day, an exact reason can't be known. I was told I did nothing wrong. Last month, I was told I was "normal" once the hematoma cleared up, so I acted cautious but "normal." And I had a good run-- a few weeks of feeling like everything was going to be ok. 

Now I'm back in bed.  We saw my doc this morning and we also saw Momo again:

She wasn't as active but she was there, with her beating heart. My doc is hopeful the placenta will move and I'll get another shot at being "normal" again. Until then, I'll be in bed. Visualizing Momo at 20 weeks, then 30, then dancing in our arms. I can't be anything but hopeful, even though I'm terrified.

And it all is what it is.  Another bump in the road. Another test of patience and love. Another scary story. I feel like we have a really long way to go, but we'll get there. One day at a time. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the love everyone! I keep telling Momo she's got to hang in here because so many people are rooting for her! It really was the scariest day for us, and in all honestly, I continue to feel scared. I hope the worst is over but... anyway. Thanks to all for sharing and for all the support. Lisa--I'm sorry the last IUI didn't work and wish you a lot of luck on your next process. And Meliss--WTF is the deal with the lining??!! Now it's teasing you? I'm sorry. I hope it starts cooperating. I understand the frustration and wish you luck. Keep us posted, I feel like we're all on lining watch ;) Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

[Jill B @ hopinghopefloats.blogspot.com]

Sending prayers.

[Anita]

What an absolutely terrifying experience, Maya. I'm so relieved and happy that all is well with little Momo. I hope Mama takes good rest, eats well and takes very very good care of herself.
Sending a million positive thoughts your way.

[Meg]

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this terrifying experience. I'm so glad that she is doing okay in there. Ilots of prayers that all is well.

[Samantha]

*hugs* Glad to know everything is okay, hopefully placenta will shift itself soon. Take it nice and easy, lots of fluids and ice cream. Xx

[Weylin]

Pulling for you three in Singapore. Please rest, Maya. It may not be the cause of anything but you have to be resigned to being a human incubator, at least for another 28 weeks!

[My Life As A Case Study]

Oh Maya, my heart raced just reading this--it's my biggest fear/worst nightmare. Thank God you and Momo are ok! XOXO

[Meliss]

Oh my God Maya- my heart dropped when I started reading so I had to quickly scroll to the bottom and once I knew everything was ok I went back to read. I am SO glad momo is ok - you certainly don't deserve any more heartache or scares like this - I am sending so many good wishes that it's smooth sailing from here on out. Momo knows that her mama and dad and her whole family and heck, women across the country who have never met her parents, are all rooting for her to hold on. You are already such an amazing mom who will do anything for her baby. Hang in there. Xoxoxo

Ps- my lining was starting to thicken on this new protocol but today was decreased despite increased estrogen dose:( we will see next week- so hard to stay hopeful but I'm trying and hoping this FET actually happens ...

[JCS]

Hang on Maya and Momo! Sending positivity your way and very much hoping you have no more scares.

[Lauren]

Why is it that there's rarely any plain sailing for those of us who have been through so much?! What a terrifying experience. I'm do relieved Momo is okay!

I was dx with complete previa and a succenturiate lobe at 18 weeks. I haven't had any bleeding, and know I'm lucky. I've been on pelvic rest and limited activity since then, and am now 34 weeks. It's been hard (not as hard as bed rest) but we've made it. Our situations are different, but also similar, so I understand a little of what you're going through.

YOUVE GOT THIS, Maya. Momo is a lil fighter, and so is her mama.

[A Few Good Eggs]

Oh, Maya. What a terrifying experience. I am so, so glad that Momo is in there dancing away and that you are okay. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that the placenta moves. In the meantime, take it easy and we are all thinking of you three.

[Janet]

Oh crap Maya! I'm so sorry you have to go through this after everything you've already been through. Just remember, you have a little fighter in there and so are you! It's just another shitty roadblock but in the end you will be holding your little one and all of this will be all worth it.

[Sarah]

Oh my gosh Maya, how terrifying. I am so glad she's wiggling around in there, with her beating heart and waving arms and legs. She's safe in there, but how scary for you to see! I hope this is the last of the scares for you, and thanks for posting about all of your experiences, both positive and terrifying. You are an amazing woman. Hugs to you, Noah, and Momo!

[Rebecca]

Holy crap that is terrifying. But I'm so glad she is ok! How far along are you now?

[Lisa]

Maya! So glad Momo is still dancing away and being crazy. I am so glad she is doing well. Your body will nourish her and keep her safe and growing - you have to tell yourself that over and over again. It's weird, and selfish to think that I always tell myself that once I get pregnant I'll be fine and have an easy pregnancy, but I can't know for sure - It's like I want to believe that so bad that after all the heartache I'll be able to have an easy Pregnancy if and only if I could just get pregnant. Thank you for being so real and a source of strength for all of us still on IF island. Just got my BFN yesterday (0-3 IUI). But the Dr. is still optimistic and says that I am responding well and my lining is good, etc...I just haven't hit the lottery yet...but still I feel like crap and am sad, mad, and getting a little crazier by the day...but I'll get there, I have to believe it. For the first time every too he mentioned the dreaded acronym - IVF...so many emotions...(thanks for letting me vent here) - and Go Momo!!!

[Jojo]

Ughhhhh so scary and awful. So glad all is ok. I remember barely surviving a scare like that myself ( although not quite as dramatic). Sending you a big hug and hope these weeks until you meet little Momo fly by!

[Lindsay]

Tears welled up in my eyes as I read this! I can only imagine the terror you went through seeing all that blood and I truly understand the inability to breathe as you wait for word that everything looks ok. The first thing I thought was, "Hasn't she been through enough already?" You truly HAVE been through enough and God only knows why you have to be going through more. Hang in there, Maya. I know you will. You are right - nothing else matters but that little girl and when she gets here (and she will) she is going to be the most lucky and loved child there ever was. Hugs to you all the way from PA.