Not What We Expected

I was thinking about expectations the other day while transcribing some video footage from our documentary. Watching scenes of Noah and I talking or at RE appointments, one thing is very clear. We had very specific expectations about how all this would go down. I think in one scene (I'm going to try to get Noah to post a little clip on Friday) Noah says something about how we have been trying for 18 plus months, now we are seeing a doctor who is going to make this all work. We very much expected that if we did the treatments, followed protocols, injected the meds correctly, and paid for the service, we would have our fertility problems resolved. Why would we think otherwise?

It reminded me of moments I've had in restaurants. It's like looking at a menu and salivating over some dish that sounds amazing only to order it and get something completely unexpected. The portion is too small, "arugula salad" means three green leaves for decor, and the sauce just isn't right. Disappointing. And probably over priced. 

I'm in these situations every so often because I'm picky and I know what I like. Go figure. But what I've learned over the years is that we do have some choices in how we handle it.  Now, I'm not at all comparing a failed IVF cycle to a crappy meal, but what I am saying is sometimes in life we are disappointed. Sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes we feel like we were promised one thing and given another. When my sister was in high school, my dad promised her a Ferrari if she got straight A's all four years. He assumed at least PE would do her in or something. But she actually got straight A's all four years and when my dad gave her a little toy Ferrari, my sis looked wholeheartedly disappointed. Well, it was obvious that no one was getting a Ferrari (my first car was my mom's old Mazda MPV mini van that we called the Elephant), but my sister felt gypped. 

Many of us on IF Island are constantly feeling gypped. While no one is promising us anything, and we sign dense waivers acknowledging that a "live baby" is not a guarantee, the expectation is that whatever procedure we are going to do is going to work. Otherwise why bother? Sometimes IF Islanders get more than they expect, multiples! Which also takes some adjusting to. I also know several families with kids very close together in age, which is not how they would have planned it. Sometimes finally getting P comes with unexpected complications, and the joys of being P that were anticipated just don't really happen. 

So what's a gal to do? 

The one thing I've really learned, through all of this, is to expect the unexpected. There is no way to not have any expectations and to just go with the flow completely-- maybe there is, I haven't figured it out though. But there is a way to try and be patient. To sit with the feelings of things not being as planned, and to try both honor where you're at and try to be flexible. It's not easy. After an unsuccessful cycle, for me, this meant crying it out, being with the sad, cycling through the feelings of shock and anger and all that good stuff, and then regrouping. I had to be flexible about how and when and from whom my baby would come to me. I had to get over the fact the this was NOT what I had ordered, and see if there was something on the plate I could stomach. Now that I'm 24 weeks P and still on my ever expanding ass, I do have moments of feeling like this was NOT at all what I expected being P would be like. But now I just laugh about it, because the fact that Momo is okay and growing just outweighs the frustration that my muscles are atrophying and that I can't take a prenatal yoga class or move around much at all. 

We all do the best with the hand we are dealt. We are all trying to make the sweetest lemonade out of a bag of sour lemons. Sometimes it takes times. Sometimes it takes patience. Sometimes it takes thinking outside the box. Sometimes it means having a sense of humor about it all. Sometimes it requires a shift in our perspective. 

Sending love to everyone out there who is not getting what they ordered. And hoping everyone can find something decent about the situation anyway. 

Comments

[Anita]

You are so right, Maya. Nothing teaches you about compromises in life better than the IF island. We have to be hopeful, flexible, accommodating and what be prepared for disappointments all along. I can totally relate to the naïve optimism I had when I had my first RE appointment. He liked my numbers and predicted a good response, which I did have but its irrelevant! I was again very optimistic in my second cycle based on my RE's judgement. He is one of the top REs in US and I felt that is all you need. But here I'm almost 4 years and still struggling. This was not what I expected of life, just as none of us did. But also teaches us that compromises are also a choice in life, does not necessarily mean defeat, and can often be an end to the struggles and the pain. Like making lemonade out of the lemons!

[Kiki]

I almost only feel comfortable with bad news at this point. It will be another Xmas without a little one.

[Caroline]

I feel like your posts always speak right at me! I'm newly pregnant via a loooong drawn out ivf and two FETs and was just diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma. Not as big as your blood monster, but scary. I'm extremely thankful to be pregnant, but I feel like I have PTSD. Everytime I get bad news I expect a bad outcome due to the the way the last couple years have gone down. Its just always something I guess and being patient and adjusting my expectations is a great reminder. Thanks for the great post!