About two weeks ago, Noah and I were interviewed for a wonderful project called The Art of Infertility. It's a traveling exhibit of artwork, portraits, and oral history about infertility curated by photographer and IF survivor Elizabeth Walker. Put it on your radar because there will be exciting things to come with this. (Or you can subscribe to my mailing list and I can keep you posted as things come up.)
In the spirit of posting a photo of Noah and I genuinely smiling as we crawl out of the darkness (maybe this should be our holiday photo), here is a shot Elizabeth took from that interview:
It is the closest thing I've gotten to a "belly bump" pict so apologies if this upsets anyone out there. I was always really triggered by the "belly bump" pict so I never want to subject anyone to it. I don't look that big here but have actually gained 25 lbs (the doc told me to "slow it down a little if I can." Um, I can't. I'm not allowed to exercise or move much and I heart pancakes, sooo...). When getting out of the shower Noah laughs at how round I am and says I look like one of those wooden African fertility statues. My dream body! Seriously.
This is the happiest we've looked in a long time. It's the happiest we've felt in a long time. And talking to Elizabeth about our journey and about how we processed much of our experiences through our creative projects (my writing and our documentary, One More Shot) made me realize how important it is to be able to creatively express some of the harrowing experiences and losses that happen on IF Island.
There are many different ways to let go of/heal from past trauma and loss. Some people are more physical, some more spiritual, some more artistic, some talk it out. Last year, kind of around this time, I wrote a post about creating rituals after losses or difficult times in the baby-making process, and The Art of Infertility exhibit reminded me about how important that is. To some how leave the baggage of past unsuccessful treatments behind or honor the babies that could have been so that each new attempt or cycle can be it's own. To remember that the past doesn't dictate or need to taint the present or future. At this time of year, it can sometimes feel helpful to spend some time focused on healing so that the new year can start with much needed hope and optimism.
Most of us will probably always have scars from our time spent on IF Island, battle wounds. The kind we can look back on one day with pride about how we've survived. And all of us who go through infertility will have to find ways to heal so that we can move forward in our search for our families.
Today is Noah's last day of work before he has a bit of time off for the holidays. While we usually try to travel when he gets down time, this year, since I can't go anywhere, we are going to clean our house--like seriously clean. That means we will have to figure out what to do with boxes full of 2007 tax info, boxes of my grad school papers, and of course boxes of syringes and old medication that I've been hoarding because I don't know how to let go of it. Maybe it's time to let it go. Maybe I'll make an art project out of it. Maybe we will document driving to the local pharmacy and turning them in. I'm trying to convince Noah that this will be the most fun "baby-moon" ever! Not sure I've sold him yet.
Sending lots of love to IF Island this Friday and many wishes for a healing holiday and a happy New Year full of new possibilities. If anyone wants to share different things/activities that have helped them heal, please do!
Thanks everyone! Genuine happy feels good. Anita-- wishing you soon much luck this time around!!! And Jess, as always, you're my hero-- 4 months in a hospital bed? Wishing everyone a wonderful week
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | December 22, 2014 at 11:07 AM
Yay...happiness looks great on you guys!:)
Dee
Posted by: Deirdre | December 22, 2014 at 03:36 AM
You look STUNNING and I am so happy that you are experiencing the holidays this way for the first time in a long time. You have both been through so much, and it is so inspiring to all of us who read your blog to know the road you have been on and to see that you can still encounter joy on the other side!
Posted by: KB | December 21, 2014 at 07:11 PM
Hi Maya. A very happy Sunday to you. I wanted to share with you that I had a FET with two gorgeous (already well hatched) embryos on Thursday, the 18th. My first FET, and now I'm praying to all the Gods to grant me my wish. This is my 6th transfer though, others being fresh. I started with 2014 with a BFN from what was a very well responded cycle on my part. Then in September I had a miscarriage after a beta roller coaster that I wrote to you about :(. I am not literally praying on all fours. :) Do not feel the symptoms that I had while on stim drugs, this being a FET, and do not know what to make of it. I'm on PIO shots this time unlike previous times when I had the progesterone inserts. But thankfully my butt feels normal. I just feel tired and short of breath and somewhat strange which would be just hormonal. My beta is on 2nd Jan. Pray please that I start 2015 with some happiness for me and my lovely husband. This is what I'm asking Santa for :D
Your picture filled me with optimism and I so look forward to you holding Momo in your arms soon. Send you all the luck and happiness.
Posted by: Anita | December 21, 2014 at 07:36 AM
You look beautiful.. X
Posted by: Kelly reilly | December 20, 2014 at 02:23 PM
Maya, what a joy to eyes both of you look. Wish could hug you ( and Momo) in person. And you look gorgeous and one of the fittest pregnant lady i have seen. Wishing you the most joyous holiday season, and you and Noah so deserve it! 😀
Posted by: Anita | December 20, 2014 at 02:08 PM
This is an amazing picture - Maya you are gorgeous!!!! So happy for you guys! And I say - if you love pancakes, momo loves pancakes so really you're just eating for her enjoyment :) have a great weekend. Xo
Posted by: Meliss | December 20, 2014 at 07:05 AM
Love this picture of you guys!! You have a lifetime to be fit- I say live it up and enjoy your pancakes! Xo
Posted by: Jojo | December 19, 2014 at 09:20 PM
You guys look fantastic and Maya you look beautiful!!!
Posted by: A Few Good Eggs | December 19, 2014 at 08:59 PM
Oh and one more thing- I gained 70 lbs with my pregnancy (multiples but still- 70 lbs when I never missed a week of working out???) Four months of not getting out of the hospital bed and shoving protein down my throat in the hopes it would help the placenta will do that to you. 5 mths postpartum and I feel better than ever. It is worth every BicMac pound, stretch mark and atrophied muscle!
Posted by: Jess | December 19, 2014 at 07:29 PM
You guys look fabulous! Maya, pregnancy looks great on you. Happy holidays!
Xoxo
Posted by: Silvia | December 19, 2014 at 06:50 PM
What a wonderful picture! Joy captured and wow do you look beautiful and radiant Maya! So so happy for you two. Good luck with the major cleaning. It will be a lot more fun knowing you are clearing out space for Momo and her many things to fill.
Posted by: Jess | December 19, 2014 at 03:43 PM