Teaching Our Friends and Families How to Talk About Donor Conception

I have a friend who has a child via egg donor and her mother continues to refer to the egg donor as the "real mother" of the child. This drives my friend bananas. She is the "real" mother (is there such a thing as a fake mother?). I know other people who struggle with this kind of stuff within their family. The egg donor is often referred to as the "biological mother" or some other term that includes the word mother. I get this too sometimes, like when people ask me if Momo's father was "the Japanese one." I gently correct people in my response, "Yes, the sperm provider was Japanese," but I understand how IF Islanders might get frustrated with trying to figure out the language of donor conception and educating their loved ones about it. Because let's face it, we can tell people a thousand times what our preferences are when it comes to this stuff and it will still get mangled. 

In all fairness, it is confusing. And it is especially confusing to my parent's generation. My dad continuously refers to the embryo transfer as a transplant or implant (as in liver or dental?) and describes the process of our donor cycle with my sis as Noah's sperm "impregnating" my sister's eggs (it's inseminating, Dad!). I have to constantly re-explain the difference between an egg and embryo to my aunt and occasionally remind my father-in-law that Momo might not look like Noah or me because she's not genetically related. I remember trying to explain IVF to my grandma when she was still alive. She got it, sort of. It appeared that she didn't really know how babies were made naturally, let alone with medical intervention. But she didn't care, she just wanted us to have a baby.

Everyone who has conceived through alternative means and is open about it may have to have a conversation about the terms used to describe their process. We have to try and be patient with others and understand that when many of us grudgingly moved to IF Island, we got a crash course in a new language that our loved ones just didn't get. Being fluent in Spanish or Chinese would probably be way more useful, but here we are. We each have to decided how we want to talk about this stuff and how we want to refer to the outside help some of us got. And that's ok. It's just something to figure out. We are all "real" people and I when Momo's time comes, I will be the "real" mother and Noah will be the "real" father and one day my dad will  know what a sperm does to an egg in a petri dish and he will be the "real" grandpa, finally.  

 

Until then we all keep on trucking. Noah and I have an estimated 30 days until we get to be "real" parents. I just bought a carton of milk that expires ten days past Momo's due date, so I guess that means sh*t just got real, for real. Perhaps we should pack a bag.

Have a great weekend everyone and remember that MARCH 1 is our Indiegogo fundraiser launch date for our documentary, One More Shot. There will be more video posts and updates this month, so stay tuned and help spread the word!

Comments

[M]

Language has commonly understood spellings and meanings otherwise it would not be a language. Mother father and parent just mean makes and females with offspring. According to any dictionary or medical text child rearing is not required to be a parent just having offspring. So the people your talking to are not wrong they are speaking English. If your speaking a new language why are you told to use old words with commonly understood meanings instead of entirely new words?
Have patients with people that ask about the mother and father...they just mean the mother and father that are the source of the kids existence the ones they are related to. They are still parents they just are not raising their kid. Be careful calling them egg and sperm providers to the kid because they may view this as placing their family on the back burner in favor of yours. Their family should at least be equal to yours and you don't want to make it seem like you want to supplant their own relatives but rather hope to integrate with them.

[Linda]

It seems to me that the best terms for the donors are "genetic parent" or genetic mother or father. My second child is adopted. I've always told her that she has two mothers and that I am her second mother.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Carla, thank you so much for sharing this. It's really interesting to read considering you have both perspectives. It is so hard for people to understand-- I mean really understand. Thanks again and I wish you the best of luck.

[Carla]

We got pregnant with our daughter on the first "try" and honestly if someone had explained IVF to me then when I thought I was fertile myrtle and my husband thought he was a stud muffin (apologies for the terms!) I'm not sure I would have had the grace and empathy to really try to understand how it works. IVF was this foreign medical thing for women who waited too long or people who weren't getting themselves healthy enough to conceive. It wasn't for me, the woman who gave birth squatting with just a midwife and zero drugs, two weeks overdue to a healthy 8.5 lb baby. I didn't need doctors! I had so much pride and judgment. Secondary infertility and four failed IVFs have stripped all that away and made me a better person. So now if someone actually listens when I explain IVF and gets it or almost gets it my esteem for them shoots up so high; they are far better than I was. Sometimes girlfriends try to empathize and fall very flat but I'm becoming more forgiving about that. Very very few show the empathy and understanding that come from really listening and putting yourself in another's shoes. I don't know how to make them see other than saying, imagine you can't get pregnant. No really, sit with the idea for a minute. Imagine you try and try and can't get pregnant. So few people really try to imagine what it would be like.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Rachel, it is a lot to think about and process and there really isn't a right way to do things necessarily. I think the bottom line is that the people who love us do just want us to be happy and have the family we want, but it's often hard for people to fully wrap their heads around it all. I wish you so much luck!

[Rachel]

Hi Maya,
This is an interesting topic for me because, after seven years of infertility, my husband and I are currently considering embryo adoption/donation We've discussed that with our parents and close friends but I've not "come out" publically (ie on my blog or facebook) with the idea yet. DH and I are both clear though that, although we might wait to see whether I actually get pregnant from the transfer, we would be open about the way that that child was conceived. It's a lot to think about though isn't it? Not least of which, the questions. When I think of some of the insensitive questions and comments that I've had to deal with through the infertility journey, I can only imagine what people might come out with in this case... None of the people that we shared with had ever heard of embryo adoption/donation either. They just want us to have a baby and I think most people saw it as being a pretty good fit for us. They just want me pregnant!
It was so great for me to read this post today. I wish you well on this exciting journey. So exciting that soon you'll have your baby in your arms :-)
So exciting for you

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Molly! Momo is our real baby! If I've been carrying around a fake baby for the last 8 months so help me... I don't know if we can change people's POV always, but we can educate. At least I try. None of my friends or family had ever heard of embryo donation until us, and I think we've changed a few minds about it being super weird. I hope we have. JCS-- Ha! I laugh too. My family means so well but it is hard to know what's what. When you're in it you know every last detail. When I showed my parents my HSG X-Ray it was like showing them pictures of the deep sea. Hi Anita! Yup. I'm the bio mom! I totally understand keeping quiet to avoid countless discussions and explanations that sometimes go in circles. And to avoid "advice" from people who shouldn't be doling it out. Glad the NT scene looked good! You're hitting all these major milestones! It's very exciting as is a baby girl! Or boy if the tech turns out to be wrong. :)

[Molly @ The Modern Belly]

You know, I often find myself wondering about language. Would educating people about the right terms to use also help change their point of view, or is this a futile attempt, at least to a certain extent? I don't have an answer yet... What I do know for sure is that Momo is your real child and you're her real parents, and it's so exciting that she's almost here!

[JCS]

Maya, this post made me laugh out loud! In my experience, the whole concept of infertility and especially IVF is really confusing to people. My dad continues to refer to my IVF journey as my "problem." He is always nice about it and curious and interested, but he's got the terminology all wrong. Anyway, I can totally relate! I guess at some point you just have to laugh. :)

[Anita]

Maya, a biological mother is one who carries, nurtures and raises a child, period. A lot of people who choose not to talk about their infertility is simply to avoid unsolicited advice and gossip. Although, I did not mention it to anyone, one smart person kind of assumed that as I do not have kids 5 years into my marriage, must be something to do with my uterus!!! and totally out of the blue she asked me to eat a herb which is supposedly awesome for "all uterus" in the world. I kept quite but was thoroughly annoyed. :)
We had out NT scan today which looked good, and the technician guessed at the gender. If she is right, we could be having a girl :)))