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February 27, 2015


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Language has commonly understood spellings and meanings otherwise it would not be a language. Mother father and parent just mean makes and females with offspring. According to any dictionary or medical text child rearing is not required to be a parent just having offspring. So the people your talking to are not wrong they are speaking English. If your speaking a new language why are you told to use old words with commonly understood meanings instead of entirely new words?
Have patients with people that ask about the mother and father...they just mean the mother and father that are the source of the kids existence the ones they are related to. They are still parents they just are not raising their kid. Be careful calling them egg and sperm providers to the kid because they may view this as placing their family on the back burner in favor of yours. Their family should at least be equal to yours and you don't want to make it seem like you want to supplant their own relatives but rather hope to integrate with them.


It seems to me that the best terms for the donors are "genetic parent" or genetic mother or father. My second child is adopted. I've always told her that she has two mothers and that I am her second mother.

Don't Count Your Eggs

Carla, thank you so much for sharing this. It's really interesting to read considering you have both perspectives. It is so hard for people to understand-- I mean really understand. Thanks again and I wish you the best of luck.


We got pregnant with our daughter on the first "try" and honestly if someone had explained IVF to me then when I thought I was fertile myrtle and my husband thought he was a stud muffin (apologies for the terms!) I'm not sure I would have had the grace and empathy to really try to understand how it works. IVF was this foreign medical thing for women who waited too long or people who weren't getting themselves healthy enough to conceive. It wasn't for me, the woman who gave birth squatting with just a midwife and zero drugs, two weeks overdue to a healthy 8.5 lb baby. I didn't need doctors! I had so much pride and judgment. Secondary infertility and four failed IVFs have stripped all that away and made me a better person. So now if someone actually listens when I explain IVF and gets it or almost gets it my esteem for them shoots up so high; they are far better than I was. Sometimes girlfriends try to empathize and fall very flat but I'm becoming more forgiving about that. Very very few show the empathy and understanding that come from really listening and putting yourself in another's shoes. I don't know how to make them see other than saying, imagine you can't get pregnant. No really, sit with the idea for a minute. Imagine you try and try and can't get pregnant. So few people really try to imagine what it would be like.

Don't Count Your Eggs

Hi Rachel, it is a lot to think about and process and there really isn't a right way to do things necessarily. I think the bottom line is that the people who love us do just want us to be happy and have the family we want, but it's often hard for people to fully wrap their heads around it all. I wish you so much luck!


Hi Maya,
This is an interesting topic for me because, after seven years of infertility, my husband and I are currently considering embryo adoption/donation We've discussed that with our parents and close friends but I've not "come out" publically (ie on my blog or facebook) with the idea yet. DH and I are both clear though that, although we might wait to see whether I actually get pregnant from the transfer, we would be open about the way that that child was conceived. It's a lot to think about though isn't it? Not least of which, the questions. When I think of some of the insensitive questions and comments that I've had to deal with through the infertility journey, I can only imagine what people might come out with in this case... None of the people that we shared with had ever heard of embryo adoption/donation either. They just want us to have a baby and I think most people saw it as being a pretty good fit for us. They just want me pregnant!
It was so great for me to read this post today. I wish you well on this exciting journey. So exciting that soon you'll have your baby in your arms :-)
So exciting for you

Don't Count Your Eggs

Thanks Molly! Momo is our real baby! If I've been carrying around a fake baby for the last 8 months so help me... I don't know if we can change people's POV always, but we can educate. At least I try. None of my friends or family had ever heard of embryo donation until us, and I think we've changed a few minds about it being super weird. I hope we have. JCS-- Ha! I laugh too. My family means so well but it is hard to know what's what. When you're in it you know every last detail. When I showed my parents my HSG X-Ray it was like showing them pictures of the deep sea. Hi Anita! Yup. I'm the bio mom! I totally understand keeping quiet to avoid countless discussions and explanations that sometimes go in circles. And to avoid "advice" from people who shouldn't be doling it out. Glad the NT scene looked good! You're hitting all these major milestones! It's very exciting as is a baby girl! Or boy if the tech turns out to be wrong. :)

Molly @ The Modern Belly

You know, I often find myself wondering about language. Would educating people about the right terms to use also help change their point of view, or is this a futile attempt, at least to a certain extent? I don't have an answer yet... What I do know for sure is that Momo is your real child and you're her real parents, and it's so exciting that she's almost here!


Maya, this post made me laugh out loud! In my experience, the whole concept of infertility and especially IVF is really confusing to people. My dad continues to refer to my IVF journey as my "problem." He is always nice about it and curious and interested, but he's got the terminology all wrong. Anyway, I can totally relate! I guess at some point you just have to laugh. :)


Maya, a biological mother is one who carries, nurtures and raises a child, period. A lot of people who choose not to talk about their infertility is simply to avoid unsolicited advice and gossip. Although, I did not mention it to anyone, one smart person kind of assumed that as I do not have kids 5 years into my marriage, must be something to do with my uterus!!! and totally out of the blue she asked me to eat a herb which is supposedly awesome for "all uterus" in the world. I kept quite but was thoroughly annoyed. :)
We had out NT scan today which looked good, and the technician guessed at the gender. If she is right, we could be having a girl :)))

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