My dad pointed out that it's been a while since I last posted. And he's right. I started writing a post on Sunday about Mother's Day being a created holiday that is such a trigger for people and what not, but felt... I don't know, like everyone out there already knows this, and anyone who is finally on the other side of IF Island has their own feelings about that day. Nevertheless I know how hard certain days that are supposed to be joyful (like that day or birthdays or holidays) can suddenly be painful on IF Island because you thought you'd be celebrating in a different way.
So I just sat down to write and the first thing that popped into my mind was the word uncertainty. Why? I think because that's what can often be so hard about infertility. And as I just wrote that I thought that's what's also so hard about being a parent. And then I thought that's what's so hard about being a human. Not knowing what is going to happen next mixed with very strong desires results in a struggle. For sure. And that struggle does really different things to different people-- some want to crawl under a rock, some get set off spinning with anxiety, some get angry, some get challenged and determined, and there's is a lot in-between. How each of us deals with lifes uncertainty is our own temperament and upbringing and whatever else makes us us, and we can't often help how we feel but we can work on what we do with those feelings and how we can try to shape them to better serve us.
Noah and I lived with a lot of uncertainty for many years and while I like to think we learned to be with it, I think a lot of the time we just muscled through. The worst of it for me was when we weren't sure if Momo was going to stick around. The super low beta (23) and the hematoma and all the issues surrounding her early days in my belly were so anxiety provoking, it was either the ultimate lesson in just being in the moment or the ultimate lesson in just surviving the day. It's all really hard. And how we each deal is all very personal.
When I'm feeling uncertain about something or uneasy, I often refer to a book by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist Nun, called Comfortable with Uncertainty. It's one of those books you just kind of pick up when you're searching for a quick reminder of ways to stay present. Lately, I've been feeling uneasy about how to best... help Momo (now 13 months) learn to sleep. I mean, she knows how to sleep but she still wakes up in the middle of the night and our old tactics of putting her down just aren't working anymore. We (I) have to transition to something else but I don't know what and the sound of her crying makes me cry. I've been reading various "sleep learning" books and am overwhelmed by the feeling of uncertainty about what to do, and sometimes I just sit for a moment and think about how just a few years ago I was uncertain about whether or not she would ever be a human. She is quite the human, let me tell you. So between these sleep books and shoving various baked goods into my face today, I pulled up Pema Chodron's book and came across this quote, and though it isn't totally related to what I'm talking about, it kind of stuck with me.
“The root of suffering is resisting the certainty that no matter what the circumstances, uncertainty is all we truly have.”
It's true. And it's hard. And I wish everyone a little peace within the ocean of uncertainty.
My 15 month old still wakes during the night. The boob is best to put her back to sleep, but we need to think about future fertility treatments. It's stressful, but oh how thankful I am to be stressed about these things!
Posted by: Rebecca | May 14, 2016 at 03:43 PM